The most boring life update

Hey, hey! It has been an awfully long while since we last talked, hasn't it? That is my mistake, totally my fault babes, promise it's not about you! 

A little update: My college application has been seen and evaluated, apparently. But they need 2 more " " to give me an answer. 

You probably are thinking "What the fuck do you mean 2 more ' ' ?? that's no time frame, are you dumb?" 

And, no!!! I am not dumb! That's exactly what the E-Mail said. The person who wrote this did not even give a fuck to seem professional, like, WOW. Like what do you mean by "the next two"?? 

Next 2 days? 

Next two weeks? 

Next two months? 

I believe I have the right to feel frustrated. I am being pressured on all sides after all. And it's not like I am better without an answer. I do want to study but Universities love to make your life extra hard, don't they? And I am not even in Uni yet.

I was not born in Germany and my parents moved here simply because of a better outlook on my future and guaranteed safety.

Okay, that is out of the way, I am planning to apply to another Uni, no real preference. I want to work as an accountant/ sales manager/ something-that-makes-lots-of-cash!!! Real classy, I know. But in my defense, I am really flexible and can adapt well, due to my past moving around and we have been settled for almost 12 years now. I can organize well, when I am given orders I follow them through, when problems arise I can improvise, when help or guidance is needed I am your woman! 

Pardon me, I was just practicing my Uni interview. And I am only partially joking, I am so excited to get back on track, I hate being stagnant, every day is melting into one big night's sleep with multiple interrupting awakenings. 

Now imagine that: 

You are trying to sleep and you are forced to wake up multiple times to do some stupid mundane tasks like eating, drinking, showering, shaving, brushing your hair, change of clothes, peeing and pooping, and helping your mom out and looking over documents with your dad and twittering about your suffering and how pretty flowers and how stupid men and how cruel loneliness is. And when you, after watching YouTube videos about a recipe you always wanted to cook, go down a rabbit hole about the creepiest most paranormal activities and then half-assedly follow an interview about a Japanese Mangaka while your eyes are barely open; you know it's time to sleep. 

Totally never happened to me before, that was totes not what I did yesterday! Now, even so, it is tiring and quite frankly a depressing Dasein. (that's German :-* ) 

Right, life update. I totally forgot Valentine's Day was a thing. Like yeah, I was reminded it is a thing that's gonna happen. But I didn't think people actually care so much about it? Like it's a thing like Christmas is a thing! I never knew? 

Maybe we are, as forcibly quarantined beings, seeking any kind of excitement and reason to leave our chambers and socialize a bit. I totes get that. 

To end this semi-vent on a positive note, I have been enjoying Indian Chai with two cubes of sugar a lot lately. Since the Christmas blends are out of range, I had to settle for something else. I really enjoy the fragrant kind of teas, especially those that taste just as delicious as they smell. Cardamom, Cinnamon, and Clove! <3 

Without milk though!!

Okay, well, life update over? 

See you around, 

I love you,  

XX

A good title

I've been having low vibrations lately, partly responsible for that is my pet's death. Yes, I am still not over it but the heart-wrenching sorrowful nights filled with crying are replaced with a constant dull ache where my tummy and heart are located. I miss her so much, and I think I always will. If I had the chance to grieve some more, without any responsibilities forcing me to stay at bay, I would. 

When I am not sad though, I am angry. I am furious and on the verge of tearing and trashing everything in my proximity to shreds. I don't know if my anger is stemming from the death of my bird, or if I always had this feeling building up inside of me, like the frustrations all imploding within me. I am partly an extrovert, so when I am feeling unwell, I need to unwind and tell people, but I am only partly, so the introverted side always takes over. I keep it bottled inside and let it wither and that part of my brain, or my heart, or my tummy starts rotting and given enough time, turns to ashes. 

You would think, problem solved, right? False. I might lose the feeling of anguish but my memories provide me with plenty of nightmare fuel. As bitter as it sounds when people tell me to "remember all the good times and how happy you were" I want to punch their face in. I can, for the life of me, not remember any good memories on my own. Ironically enough, even those make me sad and anxious. 

What's the good of remembering something if you are never going to feel it again? It's like your brain is taunting you in a self-punishing twisted way to tell you "you used to have this, but no more". 

So no, remembering the good times makes me even more miserable, I don't know what people are supposed to feel but I am not feeling it. I am just suffering. 

I am the kind of person that always longs for something far away and far too pretty and nice. "Sehnsucht" sounds better than "longing" though. In my opinion, those two words are translated but they are not synonyms. Maybe yearning, but this word sounds too erotic and without any context, sexual. 

Despite it all, I consider myself a pitiful soul roaming the earth in hope of finding something or someone that I won't outlive. 

Still, I can be optimistic, but not now.