A good title

I've been having low vibrations lately, partly responsible for that is my pet's death. Yes, I am still not over it but the heart-wrenching sorrowful nights filled with crying are replaced with a constant dull ache where my tummy and heart are located. I miss her so much, and I think I always will. If I had the chance to grieve some more, without any responsibilities forcing me to stay at bay, I would. 

When I am not sad though, I am angry. I am furious and on the verge of tearing and trashing everything in my proximity to shreds. I don't know if my anger is stemming from the death of my bird, or if I always had this feeling building up inside of me, like the frustrations all imploding within me. I am partly an extrovert, so when I am feeling unwell, I need to unwind and tell people, but I am only partly, so the introverted side always takes over. I keep it bottled inside and let it wither and that part of my brain, or my heart, or my tummy starts rotting and given enough time, turns to ashes. 

You would think, problem solved, right? False. I might lose the feeling of anguish but my memories provide me with plenty of nightmare fuel. As bitter as it sounds when people tell me to "remember all the good times and how happy you were" I want to punch their face in. I can, for the life of me, not remember any good memories on my own. Ironically enough, even those make me sad and anxious. 

What's the good of remembering something if you are never going to feel it again? It's like your brain is taunting you in a self-punishing twisted way to tell you "you used to have this, but no more". 

So no, remembering the good times makes me even more miserable, I don't know what people are supposed to feel but I am not feeling it. I am just suffering. 

I am the kind of person that always longs for something far away and far too pretty and nice. "Sehnsucht" sounds better than "longing" though. In my opinion, those two words are translated but they are not synonyms. Maybe yearning, but this word sounds too erotic and without any context, sexual. 

Despite it all, I consider myself a pitiful soul roaming the earth in hope of finding something or someone that I won't outlive. 

Still, I can be optimistic, but not now.

Loss and other sticky feelings

There is this saying that goes: "I am here for a good time, not a long time." 

It is referring to the hope of premature death because fun never lasts a lifetime. I get it, it makes somewhat sense, long lives usually are plagued by many, many misfortunes, deaths of loved ones, pain in general, and many unpleasant moments. All for the sake of living long? I don't think so, I don't think people want to live just happily, because if only "happiness" existed in their lives, how would they know? You can't know what it means to bathe in the sun until you stood in the shadows. Without any relative differentiation, nothing would be considered either "bad" or "good" and recognized as such. You go to the dentist and think you are on the verge of death until you enter cancer's third stage. Your experiences make your preferences, they shape what you deem as desirable and less so. 

In my head this all makes sense, I just hope it's clicking for you? English is not my native language after all, haha. 

So, what prompted me to make this post? 

I used to have a pet bird, she died very recently, on January 21st, 2022. I was there when they euthanized her, it was my choice to have it. I couldn't bear thinking about having to feed her antibiotics just to keep her already delicate and now brittle body from falling over the edge of death. I miss her so so much and I would give anything to have her back healthy and happy and by my side. But that would not be fair, I am not the only one who wishes this. But if that is so, why can't I be selfish for once? Am I allowed to voice my "ridiculous" or "selfish" thoughts? People would look aside because I am grieving and apparently people that grieve are or say batshit crazy things? 

I beg to differ. 

The thoughts I voiced at my lowest during the grief I experienced, would have been some of my "sober" thoughts as well. I have wished one would die so the other could be resurrected. I have always been like this. 

"If it weren't for you.." "If you only would have, instead of.." "You don't deserve ... as much as.. does" 

Is it considered playing the devil's advocate, but for the dead? The dead's advocate. 

My mom always said that "there you go again, acting like a lawyer for (someone)" 

Hearing that from her pissed me the fuck off, what is so bad about defending someone who is defenseless and someone I care about? Like when I was defending my little sister who can not even talk? 

People like that annoy me so much unless I really am playing devil's advocate and defending a disgusting criminal do not fucking say that!! 

Sorry I went off-topic. What I meant to say is that, no matter how hard it gets, it is temporary. 

No, not death. Obviously not death. Death has always been permanent, it's inevitable and as necessary as shade during hot summer afternoons. 

Beings that are suffering beyond comprehension should not be forced to continue unless there really is a chance and those beings are determined to take the chance. 

It really depends though, which brings me back: All is relative. 

Life could seem terrible, but when you compare it to death? Suddenly much better. 

Death seems terrifying, but living every breathing second tormented and tortured without any escape? Death suddenly tastes so sweet. 

It all is a question of difference.