Scabs and bruises, woodland critter

I figured since I am not doing anything but consume it is time to create, not everyone can say they run a blog. (although I mainly do so because the other alternatives which are "shouting into the void" or "self-harm" aren't available to me.)

I keep clenching my jaw, I tried to stop myself from doing so but it's like I unlearned how to relax which is ironic given the fact I do nothing of substance, aside from procrastinating and fiddling with my cellphone, I go mad like a march hare without stimulation. 

Went on a little self-discovery journey, trying to forget everything I know and rebuild the foundations, it would be easier if I gave up everything and everyone from the physical and digital world (going MIA) and moved far far away, maybe change my name as well. Get a cat, grow my hair 3 foot long and only eat what I find in the woods. I'm joking, or am I? If reincarnation is real I ask the universe to consider rebirthing me as a deer, or bunny, or a fish, maybe a cat. Pretty please. 

The universe is vast and eternal and death and life go hand in hand and push each other on the swing, they take turns, too. That's harmony and it's what I want. I am waffling, yapping, babbling, runnin my mouth. I'm so happy I'm able to. Thanks universe for giving my soul a body, thank you world for having beauty and horror all the same. I just learned a new word: Jiving, it was a typo that was falsely automatically corrected by my PC. Jiving is a dance style but it's also a verb, similar to taunting or sneering. Swell, am I right?

I am tired of outer influences invading my brain and dictating how I should operate my mind and express myself, so I will disregard anything that doesn't already resonate with or serve me. I am not saying I am building up my walls, but I am keeping unwelcome negativity at bay through CURATION.

My pursuit of a lithe figure has been picked up again, I am nowhere near thin enough, my end goal is resembling a fairy, or a doe, maybe something akin to a ghost? Either way key words are ethereal, angelic and out of the world! I have gained a couple pounds lately, I'm at 51,8 kg... Been stuck there because my workout usually is 4 hours of walking daily, which is hard to do without my parents getting suspicious again. 

The problem with them is that they notice bodily change pretty quick because Russia had that anorexia scare in the 2000s-2010s where talk show hosts would invite families and their disordered daughters (primarily daughters) to talk it all out, literally. I always wonder how those girls really felt and what they thought being put on blast on TV, nationally, Russia is not small. 

I am still enamored with Mads Mikkelsen's depiction of Hannibal Lecter...

If I had landed on a TV show that the whole nation watches I would have dissociated and answered questions like a Gold student (practice beforehand). Basically lie, lie, lie. Public humiliation can have two drastic outcomes: "Betterment" or the coup-de-grâce for one's mental health.

French vanilla scones... I need them.

I want to reach BMI 18 by June. I used the Harvard BMI calculator.

I mean, it should be manageable, the cold seasons make it hard to conjure up any semblance of motivation, but I don't think I suffer from depression, let alone the seasonal kind, so the spring and sun will give me the strength to keep going. The first thing I'll do upon reaching that goal.. I'll make a list.

Goals once I hit BMI 18 (44.4 KG):

- Buy chic & feminine clothing

- Start taking cute pictures

- Sign up for skinnygossip

- Eat sweet pastries like a princess

Concluding this segment with the admission that I've had an eating disorder for a little over 3 years now and it has been an on-and-off, I was never one to binge when I'm emotional, frankly my eating habits resemble a stray cat that occasionally gets taken in by people and eats like a queen but eventually ends up back on the street chewing on scraps. I don't think that's anorexia, but I read a book about a girl with an anorexic-bulimia mix, and everyone called her an anorexic straight up, so I am confused. I might do a couple online tests to see how I fit in.

I used to be obsessed with that 3D-BMI visualizer but it's so inaccurate I'm surprised it wasn't taken down for the sheer incredibility of it(apparently they made a new one. And it's a nightmare to navigate and still inaccurate.)

I'm clumsy though so perhaps the site is on point and it's on me, I get bruised pretty easily and cut, too. It's my pale thin skin, I look like a corpse or something and my veins show in that blue color, it's quite embarrassing.

Music is good, domestic violence sucks

How long has it been since he died? a little over 4 years, it still feels so unreal. 2017 was an interesting year, musically and for me personally. You would discover the next upcoming rapper/ singer and be blown away by how relatable the lyrics are, how beautiful the sound was, and how many emotions come up in you. 

And then there was XXXTENTACION! (And Shiloh Dynasty, whoo!) 

When I first heard his music, a collaboration with Shiloh Dynasty, "Jocelyn Flores" I thought "wow I'm so deep and my emotions are so profound". Then I realized something, yes, sadness can be beautiful, it can inspire you, and it can create art just like happiness does. But it can be detrimental.

Back then I was just a kid, 15, and still naive and childish. I didn't know what "domestic violence" "child abuse" or "mental health" was. I just knew my parents were different from the ones of other kids. They can go outside and play, have fun with friends, have sleepovers, have birthdays, and have parties. Not me. I have siblings, what do I need friends for? I own a bunch of toys, no need to play outside and parties? I can eat cake, blow up balloons, and dance (in moderation) at home in my room. "Home" slowly became a prison, the more I noticed things were.. off about my family. 

At first, I thought nothing of it, what was I supposed to think? I was 15 and watched barbie movies and snuff films and played with Barbie dolls, not Ken dolls. I discovered girls kissing is nice to look at, and I discovered it was wrong, too. I was scared and secretive but indulgent, I drew badly scribbled sketches of two girls kissing and hugging and ripped them apart and hid them. 

I learned that I am sad, and very deeply affected by the things I considered "Normal", I am emotional and I lash out and I hide things and steal things. The breaking point was meeting X, he put my feelings into words, sounds, and music. I never really thought about him though, I just listened to the music and read the lyrics, I suddenly loved singing. 

His death however didn't hit me(no offense), when I found out his age, I felt how fragile life really was. But back then, I was living in an illusion, a bubble that does not allow anything from the outside to influence the inside. "What happens at home, stays at home." And vice versa. It felt like my fate to stay locked inside, away from people, I'm not like them. So I made it my personality, I became cold and distant, I sat in the back of the class, stared out the windows, napped, or drew awful things. People thought I was morbid for that, but sometimes I would break that shell and smile and laugh and make jokes. And I would regret it every time, I am sure my friends got whiplash from my erratic behavior. 

And when I tell you, "No one cares" I am being serious. I am 100 % sure I was suffering from depression back then, and no one noticed, not my friends, seatmates not even the "pedagogically trained" professionals, the teachers. 

I was done dirty, I gave up and I was dropped when I stopped being happy-go-lucky. But let's be for real for a moment, even when I feigned happiness I was not appreciated. 

I was a people pleaser and I knew. I was altruistic and selfless and it got me nowhere. I am still here in this hellhole, I hate all of my siblings and can't stand to be near my dad for more than 5 minutes. And my mom? She hates me, I am just a freak to her. I lost 3 kilograms and yet I feel like cutting myself. 

I want to run away until my feet grow blisters and my legs hurt, I would do it if it meant I can be free. I would rather be homeless and without food and shelter than here. I want to be far away from Berlin, I want this city to burn down I want a bomb to hit my family, and I want to have an excuse to flee. 

Because my safety and well-being aren't enough.

Brain rewiring in progress..

So it's been a very very long while since I've touched this blog. There's been so much going on, but I feel like if I were to write it all down I will jinx it all. 

I was in Russia for vacation, it was boring but I saw everyone I wanted to see. My cousins were there too, I love those too. But I'm worried about their eating habits, as a fellow disordered Person, it hurt to see them suffer. I feigned ignorance, cause there really isn't a right way to approach this. It's even worse cause they're younger than me, so I naturally feel overprotective of them. I want to help them without making a big deal about it... But alas. 

If I can't help myself, how am I going to help others? They might be anorexic subconsciously, but I am anorexic and I know it, I strive to starve, they starve cause of stress, homesickness, and whatnot. I want to help, I really do. I want to look at food and think: "Yummy." Without worrying about gaining, my body weight, my appearance.

I feel paranoid just writing on this blog, imagine if I were to voice my concerns. No one will take me seriously and I don't want their attention, or their pity, or for them to worry. I used to, but back then I was a spiteful and selfish little child. I am going to hit the 20 years mark in just over a month. It's time I snap out of it, but my heart does parkour whenever I think about going outside in public while being over a BMI of 20. I need to get help, but knowing my family and my financial situation, there is no use. 

I miss my mom too, she's been ... out, busy. She has her own troubles right now and the best I can do is keep everything up and running while she tends to her own concerns. 

I want to try and make cinnamon rolls, I have been wanting to for months now. 

Speaking of pastries reminds me of how much I miss the cold, the colorful breeze, the rainy days, and the misty mornings. I can't wait for fall, in my eyes fall is time for healing, for a new start. I just want everything to be alright again. 

On a more positive note, I feel like I have been bonding with my father, doing chores together, looking over documents, and such. I have to put my little sister to bed since I'm the oldest kid here. I am so lucky my dad is still on vacation because that means he can help me out without being stressed from work. Still, I find myself walking around on eggshells with my brothers, I just can't stand the sight of them. Their very presence sours my mood. They have been the least helpful out of all. 

I've been watching Safiya Nygaard's videos lately, I don't know what it is, I guess it's my inner child craving to see "Franken-soap" "Franken-wedding-cake" "Franken-lipstick". She does experiments that my intrusive thoughts keep suggesting to me. Melt this! Mix that! Cut this up! No need, Safiya does it for you. 

It's strange though, I used to avoid her videos, was it out of spite? Probably. 

I've made a friend, his name starts with ...  Never mind, I won't tell you! I will codename him "Rain" though. Rain messaged me on instagram and since then we've been talking. He's interesting, kind of confusing, but he listens to me and I don't find it hard to hear him out. I usually get sick and tired of people quickly. Maybe we can be longterm friends? He has a cat, she's adorable!! 

Soon I'm going to University, canyou believe that? I am so excited, I want to prove that I am back from my depression, that I can study well and that I am capable of doing well academically. It's my chance to fix my life, to prove to myself that I am still salvageable. I am not lost, I can do it. So, it's late, I have been sleeping better. I mostly fall asleep before midnight which is amazing! So I am saying goodnight to you!

(yes it's full moon tonight!)

Declining in mental health

Hello! Guess who decided to show herself after an eternity of MIA? Yeah, I have bad news though, or maybe good news? 

I haven't changed since my last blog post, at all. But it could be worse, I could be hospitalized for starving myself to the brink of death, but instead, I am at a healthy BMI. In fact, I gained. I am almost back at my HW... How cruel, right? My skin is also flaring up again, and no matter how I style my hair it looks greasy and gross. My body is shameful and tainted with self-harm scars again.

So to all you HAES fatties: "Healthy weight" =/= HEALTHY BODY 

I am suffering but since I seem fine no one would believe me if I lamented about my aching body, simply because I am not tilting towards any of the respective extremes of unhealthy. 

But get this: I am going to try a healthy diet! Haha, just kidding, who do you think I am? 

And you see, even if I could try the healthy road, why the fuck should I? Clearly, I am already suffering, so maybe if I suffer some more, there's no harm in it. (ironic, shut up, I know)

What I'm trying to say is: I am already messed up, so why not mess up more? See where it takes me? 

That's what I thought constantly, but since I have something to look forward to: Matriculation into law school!!!! It costs LOTS of money, so I have to stay alive and conscious. I can't afford to mess up, literally, I can't. It was expensive.

Boring blog entry #2

I am on a diet as of today. An actual one, with controlled eating and such. So since I ate a big amount of food yesterday, I am going to fast today and eat low-res tomorrow! 

I am only going to drink coffee and water or tea. So I hope this goes well, I think it will, I feel on top of my game lately. Last year was a mess I'll tell you, but since I started this blog in 2022 it's all history. 

I am currently reading "Convenience Store Woman" by Sayaka Murata. It's interesting because I can't relate to the character in most aspects but I get it. 

You know, if you get it you get it, if you don't you don't. That's what subjectivity is. 

But! There is also weirdness that is not to be confused with subjectivity. Weirdness is making fun of serious things you can't relate to like serious illness, misogyny, racism, pedophilia etc.  

If you aren't suffering from it, DON'T. MAKE. JOKES. OF. IT.  

This goes especially to those "dude bros" who think adding "It's a joke" or "humor is subjective" after giving disgusting statements makes them harmless. 

So this went pretty off-lane didn't it. 

Right, the book is interesting, I sometimes wonder if the authors of weird or scary books are similar to any of the characters they write. In that case, I would be interested in seeing more interviews of authors that write scary books. I'm annoyed only YA authors get interviewed. 

 Like what is there to ask? 

"Did you base the ML off of Harry Styles? If so why?" 

(Who cares??) 

"Yes, I imagine myself as the FL and I am in love with Harry Styles." 

(Figures.)  

But asking a horror story writer would look different. 

"How do you make such detailed murder scenes? I get shivers all over when I read them.." 

(I'm invested!!)

"Oh, haha you see, I am a serial killer, so I have first-hand experience. I watch a lot of true crime  documentaries." 

(PARDON?)

Also, psychological or philosophy genres need more interviews, I would love to know the authors' intentions on it, rather than the "abs or dad bod?" debate.

Nothing wrong with reading erotica, but really? Does it need to be questioned beyond the actual script? No, it does not. Because it is a matter-of-fact genre, with no symbolism, and no critique of society. Just sexy time. 

I am going to review the book once I finished it, I don't know if I will make a full-on analysis or a personal essay. Probably the latter, because this is an online diary, not a college application. (。_。)

I really like my coffee, it's perfectly balanced with a shot of oat milk, bitterness, and sweetness. Maybe I should have a plain black one for dinner?

Commitment!

Tonight, or more like this early morning (1 AM! LOL) my bestie and I decided to lose 1 KG in two days! We each have a different starting weight, she is lighter than me and we also have different ultimate goal weights, mine is 37 KG! I am 157 CM so it's only natural I derive my ideal weight by subtracting 120 from my height.

          157 CM - 120 = 37 KG

Makes sense, no? To be frank, I chose this low of a weight because my body consists mostly of fat tissue and I barely have any muscle(aside from calves and thighs （︶^︶）), so I am obviously gonna have to be lighter to look skinny enough.

Luckily we both have a scale, so no problems will arise and change will be so much easier to spot. 

1 KG? That is nothing but that is not the point. Always start out slow, consistency is the key. Though I wish I could lose weight dramatically, however that brings its own problems with it. Loose skin, fluncuating weight, stress wrinkles and breakouts because of malnutrition. I finall got it through my cemet skull. Haha

I am so glad blogger allows me to talk about my most inner thoughts without fearing someone will censor, "suspend" or reprimand me for it. 

How else are we supposed to get better if we can't express bad thoughts, too? 

So to spare people and to give myself an outlet I chose to make this website! I am so proud of myself for committing to it, I can't help but wonder if I would be off worse if I never made this blog to begin with. 

I feel a manic phase coming, spring is soon arriving, I am going to lose the 1 KG in no time and I can finally start growing as a person and shrinking as a body. Ha, get it? 

Well I am not sure if I can call it a "manic phase" because that is a medical term for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and I don't know if I have it, I have never done a diagnosis. So I can't be sure.