A good title

I've been having low vibrations lately, partly responsible for that is my pet's death. Yes, I am still not over it but the heart-wrenching sorrowful nights filled with crying are replaced with a constant dull ache where my tummy and heart are located. I miss her so much, and I think I always will. If I had the chance to grieve some more, without any responsibilities forcing me to stay at bay, I would. 

When I am not sad though, I am angry. I am furious and on the verge of tearing and trashing everything in my proximity to shreds. I don't know if my anger is stemming from the death of my bird, or if I always had this feeling building up inside of me, like the frustrations all imploding within me. I am partly an extrovert, so when I am feeling unwell, I need to unwind and tell people, but I am only partly, so the introverted side always takes over. I keep it bottled inside and let it wither and that part of my brain, or my heart, or my tummy starts rotting and given enough time, turns to ashes. 

You would think, problem solved, right? False. I might lose the feeling of anguish but my memories provide me with plenty of nightmare fuel. As bitter as it sounds when people tell me to "remember all the good times and how happy you were" I want to punch their face in. I can, for the life of me, not remember any good memories on my own. Ironically enough, even those make me sad and anxious. 

What's the good of remembering something if you are never going to feel it again? It's like your brain is taunting you in a self-punishing twisted way to tell you "you used to have this, but no more". 

So no, remembering the good times makes me even more miserable, I don't know what people are supposed to feel but I am not feeling it. I am just suffering. 

I am the kind of person that always longs for something far away and far too pretty and nice. "Sehnsucht" sounds better than "longing" though. In my opinion, those two words are translated but they are not synonyms. Maybe yearning, but this word sounds too erotic and without any context, sexual. 

Despite it all, I consider myself a pitiful soul roaming the earth in hope of finding something or someone that I won't outlive. 

Still, I can be optimistic, but not now.