The End and The start

I have been absent again, I lost another member of my family. So mean, right? But it still feels unreal, it feels like she's just on a long, long vacation and that I will see her again. Is it normal to feel like that? I cried lots and I missed her dearly, but I can't wrap my head around the concept of death, in theory, it's simple. But in reality? It feels unreal. I'm being pranked. I'm watching a horror movie and after the credits, she will come up behind the silver screen and bow a couple of times to the applause for her excellent performance. 

It feels like if I stare long enough and don't make a sound I will catch her moving, breathing, her eyes moving behind her sunken eyelids. If I make a funny joke she will laugh and break the spell, or if I catch her off guard she will stir. 

But I haven't even seen her, her empty body. I imagine it sometimes and freak myself out, it feels forbidden. Maybe I can't face it yet? But when will I be able to, if not now? I hope I don't sound cliché. I guess the movies are good at portraying death, in some instances grief too. But it doesn't feel like it's enough, not enough tears, screaming, sorrow. There is no expression sad enough, the eyes not dull enough and I am reminded they are mirroring me. People like me, who have lost someone. 

Maybe that is why I stare in the mirror when I catch myself crying, to see how convincing my sad face comes across, if my tears are plenty, and whether or not my eyes tell my story. But I see nothing. 

In cartoons or anime, for instance, you can immediately tell what their emotions are. I'm not saying I'm measuring my authenticity on that standard, but I sometimes wonder if anyone has ever caught someone's eyes visibly going empty, their skin becoming dull and their overall mood turning numbing. 

Like a gust of wind that signals their feelings. In books, they describe it as suffocating, brooding, foreboding, the shivers going down their spine, the weight on their shoulders bringing them down. 

I thought if I feigned nonchalance in a nihilistic way my feelings would match my behavior. Such a lie. What is worse than feeling like you can't allow yourself to be sad? Is someone else forbidding it? 

I could feel pressure, if I cry now, it won't bode well. No one likes delivering bad news, because then you have to play the game of "should I be honest about my feelings or spare them?" Spare who exactly? He didn't spare me, so why shouldn't I return the favor? Will my perseverance be rewarded? And if so, can I choose the prize?

If I find the answer to that, maybe I can move on. 

Autumn keeps me hopeful

Is that true? Is that what grief is supposed to feel like? When I first heard she died, I felt my chest squeezing and twisting in a jerking manner, I didn't move though, in fact, I went still. My throat hurt, and I wanted to gasp out for air. But all I did was nod and lower my gaze. When he left and I had a chance to let it out, I don't remember anything after that, I don't recall my reaction. 

His words soothe me

On a positive note, the guy I called "Rain" in my last post really seems to like me. And I like him too.. I can't begin to describe it, I just know I like our dynamic and the way he makes me feel. He is like a star in the vast plane of the universe, somehow he is twinkling more than the rest of them, but he's my secret. I am in no way ashamed of him, no. Quite the opposite, I'm too proud and possessive to share him with anyone. His brilliance is for me alone. I prefer to keep my romantic relationships private and even calling them "romantic" is too much information for my comfort. This is more than just romance. It's better. 
The only flaw I see in him? He isn't fully mine yet, he lives elsewhere, far from me. But that can be changed, and that flaw in itself is not the fault of his own, I could never resent him, even if he were imperfect. 
Xx