Brain rewiring in progress..

So it's been a very very long while since I've touched this blog. There's been so much going on, but I feel like if I were to write it all down I will jinx it all. 

I was in Russia for vacation, it was boring but I saw everyone I wanted to see. My cousins were there too, I love those too. But I'm worried about their eating habits, as a fellow disordered Person, it hurt to see them suffer. I feigned ignorance, cause there really isn't a right way to approach this. It's even worse cause they're younger than me, so I naturally feel overprotective of them. I want to help them without making a big deal about it... But alas. 

If I can't help myself, how am I going to help others? They might be anorexic subconsciously, but I am anorexic and I know it, I strive to starve, they starve cause of stress, homesickness, and whatnot. I want to help, I really do. I want to look at food and think: "Yummy." Without worrying about gaining, my body weight, my appearance.

I feel paranoid just writing on this blog, imagine if I were to voice my concerns. No one will take me seriously and I don't want their attention, or their pity, or for them to worry. I used to, but back then I was a spiteful and selfish little child. I am going to hit the 20 years mark in just over a month. It's time I snap out of it, but my heart does parkour whenever I think about going outside in public while being over a BMI of 20. I need to get help, but knowing my family and my financial situation, there is no use. 

I miss my mom too, she's been ... out, busy. She has her own troubles right now and the best I can do is keep everything up and running while she tends to her own concerns. 

I want to try and make cinnamon rolls, I have been wanting to for months now. 

Speaking of pastries reminds me of how much I miss the cold, the colorful breeze, the rainy days, and the misty mornings. I can't wait for fall, in my eyes fall is time for healing, for a new start. I just want everything to be alright again. 

On a more positive note, I feel like I have been bonding with my father, doing chores together, looking over documents, and such. I have to put my little sister to bed since I'm the oldest kid here. I am so lucky my dad is still on vacation because that means he can help me out without being stressed from work. Still, I find myself walking around on eggshells with my brothers, I just can't stand the sight of them. Their very presence sours my mood. They have been the least helpful out of all. 

I've been watching Safiya Nygaard's videos lately, I don't know what it is, I guess it's my inner child craving to see "Franken-soap" "Franken-wedding-cake" "Franken-lipstick". She does experiments that my intrusive thoughts keep suggesting to me. Melt this! Mix that! Cut this up! No need, Safiya does it for you. 

It's strange though, I used to avoid her videos, was it out of spite? Probably. 

I've made a friend, his name starts with ...  Never mind, I won't tell you! I will codename him "Rain" though. Rain messaged me on instagram and since then we've been talking. He's interesting, kind of confusing, but he listens to me and I don't find it hard to hear him out. I usually get sick and tired of people quickly. Maybe we can be longterm friends? He has a cat, she's adorable!! 

Soon I'm going to University, canyou believe that? I am so excited, I want to prove that I am back from my depression, that I can study well and that I am capable of doing well academically. It's my chance to fix my life, to prove to myself that I am still salvageable. I am not lost, I can do it. So, it's late, I have been sleeping better. I mostly fall asleep before midnight which is amazing! So I am saying goodnight to you!

(yes it's full moon tonight!)