Scabs and bruises, woodland critter

I figured since I am not doing anything but consume it is time to create, not everyone can say they run a blog. (although I mainly do so because the other alternatives which are "shouting into the void" or "self-harm" aren't available to me.)

I keep clenching my jaw, I tried to stop myself from doing so but it's like I unlearned how to relax which is ironic given the fact I do nothing of substance, aside from procrastinating and fiddling with my cellphone, I go mad like a march hare without stimulation. 

Went on a little self-discovery journey, trying to forget everything I know and rebuild the foundations, it would be easier if I gave up everything and everyone from the physical and digital world (going MIA) and moved far far away, maybe change my name as well. Get a cat, grow my hair 3 foot long and only eat what I find in the woods. I'm joking, or am I? If reincarnation is real I ask the universe to consider rebirthing me as a deer, or bunny, or a fish, maybe a cat. Pretty please. 

The universe is vast and eternal and death and life go hand in hand and push each other on the swing, they take turns, too. That's harmony and it's what I want. I am waffling, yapping, babbling, runnin my mouth. I'm so happy I'm able to. Thanks universe for giving my soul a body, thank you world for having beauty and horror all the same. I just learned a new word: Jiving, it was a typo that was falsely automatically corrected by my PC. Jiving is a dance style but it's also a verb, similar to taunting or sneering. Swell, am I right?

I am tired of outer influences invading my brain and dictating how I should operate my mind and express myself, so I will disregard anything that doesn't already resonate with or serve me. I am not saying I am building up my walls, but I am keeping unwelcome negativity at bay through CURATION.

My pursuit of a lithe figure has been picked up again, I am nowhere near thin enough, my end goal is resembling a fairy, or a doe, maybe something akin to a ghost? Either way key words are ethereal, angelic and out of the world! I have gained a couple pounds lately, I'm at 51,8 kg... Been stuck there because my workout usually is 4 hours of walking daily, which is hard to do without my parents getting suspicious again. 

The problem with them is that they notice bodily change pretty quick because Russia had that anorexia scare in the 2000s-2010s where talk show hosts would invite families and their disordered daughters (primarily daughters) to talk it all out, literally. I always wonder how those girls really felt and what they thought being put on blast on TV, nationally, Russia is not small. 

I am still enamored with Mads Mikkelsen's depiction of Hannibal Lecter...

If I had landed on a TV show that the whole nation watches I would have dissociated and answered questions like a Gold student (practice beforehand). Basically lie, lie, lie. Public humiliation can have two drastic outcomes: "Betterment" or the coup-de-grâce for one's mental health.

French vanilla scones... I need them.

I want to reach BMI 18 by June. I used the Harvard BMI calculator.

I mean, it should be manageable, the cold seasons make it hard to conjure up any semblance of motivation, but I don't think I suffer from depression, let alone the seasonal kind, so the spring and sun will give me the strength to keep going. The first thing I'll do upon reaching that goal.. I'll make a list.

Goals once I hit BMI 18 (44.4 KG):

- Buy chic & feminine clothing

- Start taking cute pictures

- Sign up for skinnygossip

- Eat sweet pastries like a princess

Concluding this segment with the admission that I've had an eating disorder for a little over 3 years now and it has been an on-and-off, I was never one to binge when I'm emotional, frankly my eating habits resemble a stray cat that occasionally gets taken in by people and eats like a queen but eventually ends up back on the street chewing on scraps. I don't think that's anorexia, but I read a book about a girl with an anorexic-bulimia mix, and everyone called her an anorexic straight up, so I am confused. I might do a couple online tests to see how I fit in.

I used to be obsessed with that 3D-BMI visualizer but it's so inaccurate I'm surprised it wasn't taken down for the sheer incredibility of it(apparently they made a new one. And it's a nightmare to navigate and still inaccurate.)

I'm clumsy though so perhaps the site is on point and it's on me, I get bruised pretty easily and cut, too. It's my pale thin skin, I look like a corpse or something and my veins show in that blue color, it's quite embarrassing.