Disturbance in the Force

I keep listening to music at night and crying because otherwise, I can't let out the stress. I can't stand silence when I'm hurt but I also need to tune out reality when I'm in my feels. So I listen to music that I know I will enjoy, it's like I am bonding with it and am being consoled by it. 

Speaking of consolation.

I watched Midsommar today and there was a scene: It was so nerve-wracking the way the women clung to Dani and were wailing with her, it hurt my head so much and Dani's voice is just so hoarse it was stressing me out listening to her cry. I hated the ending but in a way I get it, it seems like Dani got her "revenge" because Chris cheated on her and the girl did look underage, maybe she wasn't I don't know. Either way, I didn't get why the whole "crush" thing was in there, I am assuming it's to get rid of the last person Dani knew before coming to this cult for more than just being emotionally neglectful. 

But to be honest, how could Chris leave her even if he did, she was grieving her whole family's death, he kind of bit the bullet there. Also, at fault is this Swedish guy, I don't remember his name, he was weird from the beginning, way too touchy and obsessive. At first, I thought the birthday gift for Dani was sweet but then he sketched her secretly at the dinner table when she was crowned May queen, too. It would make sense if he was seen sketching regularly but he only ever sketched her. Or inanimate objects. It makes me sick how he knew what would happen and roped them into his bullshit only to get "sacrificed". Good riddance to be honest.

I also don't understand what is up with the disabled child getting worshipped, why do they treat him like a deity? Father Od said something like "he isn't clouded by normalcy" or something. The only male I liked/ tolerated was Josh and he fucking died. 

They smacked him over the head with something heavy and it was so vomit-inducing, to be honest. But I don't get how he thought he'd be safe if this shithole cult to begin with, also how the fuck did the cult member creep up on him like that? I am going to say cult because that's what it is. Then another guy I don't remember his name, he was Connie's fiancée, his death was so fucking cruel. Probably the worst out of all. I am not going to describe it to you though. 

Despite what happened in the movie I am not as disturbed as I thought I would, like as an afterthought, usually I can't function after watching something like that. But I am mentally sound and not as paranoid as I would be.

Lost Persona

Building a whole persona around being strong, untouchable, and cold. It's really getting to me, sometimes I just want to be vulnerable and honest about how unsafe I feel, but I know this is the internet and someone will use this to make fun of me. Yes, I know I am putting up a front, this is a façade I am not "Girlboss" or an unfeeling, vile, sociopathic woman. 

I just use this persona in hopes of adapting some of its positive traits, but catch myself exhibiting the opposite. Insecure and spiteful, angry and resentful. I just can't let it go, or it won't let me go. I don't know! I have been holding back so much, I thought I was creating a safe space for myself but really I am only putting my negative thoughts out and watching vile people hype me up. Instead of comfort, I feel encouraged to be worse, get worse, and ultimately feel worse. This is all me. 

I try so hard but my thoughts just won't let me, my brain keeps backtracking and reminding me that I in fact am a miserable somebody who wishes she could feel content with what she is. I am disgusted at myself, I don't remember how I used to look, act, what I used to like, what I talked like. No evidence of it, my old phone broke, I barely talk to people nowadays and I always put up a front so they leave the conversation thinking "this girl is alright, she is totally and absolutely fine!"

 And I wish I was. I wish I didn't do it. I wish I could just be honest but I feel like an attention-seeking little girl who acts like she doesn't live in the first world and all her problems are related to that. I hate pity, I resent anyone who belittles me meanwhile I do the same to myself. I can't stand myself for sabotaging my own life.

I flinch away from touch, I cringe at earnest words, and always look for the negative. I don't see love or goodwill in actions, only schemes and plans people scandalously hatched to in-debt me to them. They want to do me a favor and then use me, make me do things, and say things whether I want to or not. Because I was seen in a weak state, I showed them my vulnerable side. 

I can't allow that. 

But I am soft and ragged around the edges, my emotions are raw and gushing with tears and sweat and snot. When I cry I try to hold it back, but I will still shed more tears than a person who cries without inhibitions. I am not saying I am worse off, but by god, that's how I feel. 

Declining in mental health

Hello! Guess who decided to show herself after an eternity of MIA? Yeah, I have bad news though, or maybe good news? 

I haven't changed since my last blog post, at all. But it could be worse, I could be hospitalized for starving myself to the brink of death, but instead, I am at a healthy BMI. In fact, I gained. I am almost back at my HW... How cruel, right? My skin is also flaring up again, and no matter how I style my hair it looks greasy and gross. My body is shameful and tainted with self-harm scars again.

So to all you HAES fatties: "Healthy weight" =/= HEALTHY BODY 

I am suffering but since I seem fine no one would believe me if I lamented about my aching body, simply because I am not tilting towards any of the respective extremes of unhealthy. 

But get this: I am going to try a healthy diet! Haha, just kidding, who do you think I am? 

And you see, even if I could try the healthy road, why the fuck should I? Clearly, I am already suffering, so maybe if I suffer some more, there's no harm in it. (ironic, shut up, I know)

What I'm trying to say is: I am already messed up, so why not mess up more? See where it takes me? 

That's what I thought constantly, but since I have something to look forward to: Matriculation into law school!!!! It costs LOTS of money, so I have to stay alive and conscious. I can't afford to mess up, literally, I can't. It was expensive.