Lost Persona

Building a whole persona around being strong, untouchable, and cold. It's really getting to me, sometimes I just want to be vulnerable and honest about how unsafe I feel, but I know this is the internet and someone will use this to make fun of me. Yes, I know I am putting up a front, this is a façade I am not "Girlboss" or an unfeeling, vile, sociopathic woman. 

I just use this persona in hopes of adapting some of its positive traits, but catch myself exhibiting the opposite. Insecure and spiteful, angry and resentful. I just can't let it go, or it won't let me go. I don't know! I have been holding back so much, I thought I was creating a safe space for myself but really I am only putting my negative thoughts out and watching vile people hype me up. Instead of comfort, I feel encouraged to be worse, get worse, and ultimately feel worse. This is all me. 

I try so hard but my thoughts just won't let me, my brain keeps backtracking and reminding me that I in fact am a miserable somebody who wishes she could feel content with what she is. I am disgusted at myself, I don't remember how I used to look, act, what I used to like, what I talked like. No evidence of it, my old phone broke, I barely talk to people nowadays and I always put up a front so they leave the conversation thinking "this girl is alright, she is totally and absolutely fine!"

 And I wish I was. I wish I didn't do it. I wish I could just be honest but I feel like an attention-seeking little girl who acts like she doesn't live in the first world and all her problems are related to that. I hate pity, I resent anyone who belittles me meanwhile I do the same to myself. I can't stand myself for sabotaging my own life.

I flinch away from touch, I cringe at earnest words, and always look for the negative. I don't see love or goodwill in actions, only schemes and plans people scandalously hatched to in-debt me to them. They want to do me a favor and then use me, make me do things, and say things whether I want to or not. Because I was seen in a weak state, I showed them my vulnerable side. 

I can't allow that. 

But I am soft and ragged around the edges, my emotions are raw and gushing with tears and sweat and snot. When I cry I try to hold it back, but I will still shed more tears than a person who cries without inhibitions. I am not saying I am worse off, but by god, that's how I feel.