Declining in mental health

Hello! Guess who decided to show herself after an eternity of MIA? Yeah, I have bad news though, or maybe good news? 

I haven't changed since my last blog post, at all. But it could be worse, I could be hospitalized for starving myself to the brink of death, but instead, I am at a healthy BMI. In fact, I gained. I am almost back at my HW... How cruel, right? My skin is also flaring up again, and no matter how I style my hair it looks greasy and gross. My body is shameful and tainted with self-harm scars again.

So to all you HAES fatties: "Healthy weight" =/= HEALTHY BODY 

I am suffering but since I seem fine no one would believe me if I lamented about my aching body, simply because I am not tilting towards any of the respective extremes of unhealthy. 

But get this: I am going to try a healthy diet! Haha, just kidding, who do you think I am? 

And you see, even if I could try the healthy road, why the fuck should I? Clearly, I am already suffering, so maybe if I suffer some more, there's no harm in it. (ironic, shut up, I know)

What I'm trying to say is: I am already messed up, so why not mess up more? See where it takes me? 

That's what I thought constantly, but since I have something to look forward to: Matriculation into law school!!!! It costs LOTS of money, so I have to stay alive and conscious. I can't afford to mess up, literally, I can't. It was expensive.