HELLLLLOOOOO

 Long time no speak. 

Guess what? It's been years. 

Okay, so. In August 2024 I met a man online, he pushed my anorexia. I reached 46 KG, but then I got diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and it all went down the drain. I would have been happy being this skinny if I wasn't constantly fainting out of the blue.

Okay and I ended things with him then when I met someone else. Julian. 

I don't even know what to say, we knew each other a couple months, at the same time my parents had a pretty bad argument and I was caught in the cross fire. My dad went crazy when he saw I was texting my mom about how I hate him and how much I miss her. 

When I say crazy, I mean ballistic, destructive, criminally so. I called the police at last.

Ran away from home, but they lured me back, my mother was gaslighting me, and she was on the phone with my father, he said "I have known long time ago that she has been going off the rocker". I knew I had to leave, they would lock me in for good. So I left, permanently. They stalked and messaged me, gave me a scare when they showed up with the police at the apartment complex of a friends' place I was staying at. They had hacked my phone for goodness sake! Luckily, I escaped, stayed with Katja, she helped me on my journey to "resocialize" me. I drank, smoked, partied, cut my hair, got gifted her hand-me-downs. It was beautiful, I love her, my angel. I found a shelter then, stayed there for 6 months and worked my ass off at Dunkin Donuts. I went pink, blonde, red, blue, brown, black, purple, blonde again and now I am pink again! Funny little cycle. I love pink. But my hair is so fried, it's a pain to maintain. I gained significant weight though, which sickens me more than anything else. 

Frankly, I'd trade my current body with my hyperthyroidism induced hallucinations if it meant I'd be slender again. God what a waste. 

Also, I worked like one month at McDonald's... DON'T do that, I beg of you, anything but McD's. Save yourself from that soul-draining chaotic hellscape. Their coke zero is yummers though.

Anyway, I have been going to therapy for a little over a month and I filled out some tests, I will bring them to my therapist next Friday. I am at Joey's place, I love that girl so much. And Sammy, I love her, too. But back to Joey, I have been staying with her for a while, but I need to get back to my own flat. I have to move anyway, but I can't be staying at friend's places 247, I hate my "own" place, but I have to bite the bullet and go back. I will move anyway, soon. But for now, I have to make sure to move all my stuff back to my place. Lest I grow roots here. I wanna give Joey her space back, but I don't know, will she be lonely? Will she be relieved? I can't tell, it feels like I've been here for an eternity, it's such a comforting place. Back when Julian was there, I liked coming back to it.

Julian. Right. 

I loved him so deeply, he was my first, and he decided that changing his ways wasn't worth it. We argued and made up but it was always his action and my reaction. I was so exhausted, drained, overjoyed, full of love and suffering and pain. I tried to kill myself a couple times over the grief. One time I thought I was really going to die, it hurt so fucking bad, I thought my heart was about to burst. I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe or stand or crouch, I had to lie there and suffer, while he was playing games and enjoying his time with his friends. God, I hate him. But I also loved him. Keyword loved. We had a bad argument because he broke yet another promise, and then he broke up with me. I was devastated. I didn't understand why this had to be the last straw when I couldn't even count on my fingers how many times he has pulled genuinely break up worthy bullshit on my fragile heart. 

He wanted contact nonetheless, he stopped saying I love you, stopped calling me by my nicknames, stopped replying, but always expected a reply back, wanted to call, he admitted he wanted my attention. Months and months, I was going insane, my throat still burns and my eyes water. I loved him, I really did, I have never loved anyone like this, I w wanted him to be the one. But I felt he wasn't mine anymore, if he ever was. I felt like heaven was on earth when he visited me and held me and kissed me and cooked for me and went on a bender in the middle of January. When we both got sick, when we ate till we fell into a food coma, when he first tried sushi and fell in love with it, when we watched all of Vinland saga, when he held me while I cried over him. It didn't mean much to him, if anything at all. I am so close to breaking down if I think too much about it. But I have to stay in touch with my emotions, Basti told me to, otherwise I would destroy myself further. 

Julian, if you ever read this, why did you lie? Why did you make me wait? Why did you break my heart again and again and decided to give me the finishing blow after telling me "Die Zeit mit dir in Berlin war das Beste was mir passiert ist". Why didn't you just love me and honor me and give me security? Why did you think I would want to talk after you made fun of me and told me you found another girl? Can you sleep at night? Do you eat well? Are you still telling jokes to your friends? And am I the butt of them?

Are you in Bonn now? 

He broke my heart for almost 6 months from today, and I cut ties with him August 3rd, permanently. He was so shameless, tried to contact me. After HE told me he found another. Good grief. I blocked him every-fucking-where after he called me multiple times at night. I was so scared that he just wanted to hurt me again. I was unwell for a week after that, and then he messaged me per email on August 22nd. I told him clearly, "You made your decision, leave me alone." Silence since then. I really hate to hate you, but if I don't, I'll want you again. And I can't do this anymore. You betrayed me.

And at this time, I was dead inside. Slept bad. If ever. I was constantly out drinking and smoking, I was dressing myself up all pretty while my brain was eating itself alive. Dealing with my innerworld is so so hard. I talked in my sleep constantly. Like every night, I woke myself while speaking in my sleep. Had terrible nightmares each time, and I thought it would never end. I accepted that the fear of going to sleep was my new constant. I had terrible crying spells that never seemed to stop, I wouldn't let anyone see, though. I hid in the bathroom or did it in private. I was imploding.. On the verge of spilling all over the place.

Then I met him. 

Basti. 

Well, he has been there for a while, but we never really acknowledged one another, but we got closer over a conversation on the topic "BPD" during an excursion. He has it, too! I was baffled. 

How did we get super close? He had a bad day, I noticed. Even though I didn't know him well, his tense and silent state was more intense that day. I was worried and texted him, and after he comforted me when I was down, I felt the need to help him. I couldn't leave him alone while he was suffering, no way! He was kind, helped people with his experience in psychology. But who was there for him? I brought beer and snacks, and he was surprisingly accepting of it when I insisted. Well, he didn't really refuse either, I could tell he was trying to reach out and take my hand. 

We drank, smoked, and listened to a ton of music. We talked for hours on end, it never seemed to end. That beautiful night of connection and vulnerability.

Somehow we got closer, both of us went silent, I was so out of it, but I knew what I wanted. And then we kissed. Granted, we were both under the influence, but he couldn't contain himself. I never thought he'd be the passionate kind, but we slept together. It was different for sure, but for some reason I wasn't shy and we fell asleep. The next morning I was grinning like a Cheshire cat, we agreed to keep it casual. He was still healing from him ex as well.. But we still hung out, text sometimes, see each other daily at that place. And neither of us really had anything against it. I found it really sweet when he facetimed me on his vacation, we talked for ages. He showed me how he plays Dishonored 2 (horrible in my opinion, he skips all the lore, which I find disgraceful) and that little game he loves, "The Binding of Isaac" or something. Interesting, to say the least. And Megabonk.

But at some point, keeping it secret was a pain, so obnoxious really when you have to keep it lowkey while everyone's got their snout in your business. He told me to just tell them. And I did, and guess what? He revealed to me that he told our mutual friend like a week ago.. That bastard, seriously, here I am worrying my head about being caught and him? Shameless. He really is shameless, like zero self-consciousness. But self-aware for sure. We had some talks and whenever either of us messed up we made up instantly. And honestly, he's sweet, very understanding. 

However, I still feel like I have to be perfect, at least in the sense that I can never ever hurt or disappoint him, or else I will DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!