Loss and other sticky feelings

There is this saying that goes: "I am here for a good time, not a long time." 

It is referring to the hope of premature death because fun never lasts a lifetime. I get it, it makes somewhat sense, long lives usually are plagued by many, many misfortunes, deaths of loved ones, pain in general, and many unpleasant moments. All for the sake of living long? I don't think so, I don't think people want to live just happily, because if only "happiness" existed in their lives, how would they know? You can't know what it means to bathe in the sun until you stood in the shadows. Without any relative differentiation, nothing would be considered either "bad" or "good" and recognized as such. You go to the dentist and think you are on the verge of death until you enter cancer's third stage. Your experiences make your preferences, they shape what you deem as desirable and less so. 

In my head this all makes sense, I just hope it's clicking for you? English is not my native language after all, haha. 

So, what prompted me to make this post? 

I used to have a pet bird, she died very recently, on January 21st, 2022. I was there when they euthanized her, it was my choice to have it. I couldn't bear thinking about having to feed her antibiotics just to keep her already delicate and now brittle body from falling over the edge of death. I miss her so so much and I would give anything to have her back healthy and happy and by my side. But that would not be fair, I am not the only one who wishes this. But if that is so, why can't I be selfish for once? Am I allowed to voice my "ridiculous" or "selfish" thoughts? People would look aside because I am grieving and apparently people that grieve are or say batshit crazy things? 

I beg to differ. 

The thoughts I voiced at my lowest during the grief I experienced, would have been some of my "sober" thoughts as well. I have wished one would die so the other could be resurrected. I have always been like this. 

"If it weren't for you.." "If you only would have, instead of.." "You don't deserve ... as much as.. does" 

Is it considered playing the devil's advocate, but for the dead? The dead's advocate. 

My mom always said that "there you go again, acting like a lawyer for (someone)" 

Hearing that from her pissed me the fuck off, what is so bad about defending someone who is defenseless and someone I care about? Like when I was defending my little sister who can not even talk? 

People like that annoy me so much unless I really am playing devil's advocate and defending a disgusting criminal do not fucking say that!! 

Sorry I went off-topic. What I meant to say is that, no matter how hard it gets, it is temporary. 

No, not death. Obviously not death. Death has always been permanent, it's inevitable and as necessary as shade during hot summer afternoons. 

Beings that are suffering beyond comprehension should not be forced to continue unless there really is a chance and those beings are determined to take the chance. 

It really depends though, which brings me back: All is relative. 

Life could seem terrible, but when you compare it to death? Suddenly much better. 

Death seems terrifying, but living every breathing second tormented and tortured without any escape? Death suddenly tastes so sweet. 

It all is a question of difference. 

A deity heard my wishes?

 

I was ready to give up on a "white Christmas" aka an actual winter with snow!

But today it snowed a whole lot, at least 3 CM of snow, not much but compared to last year an improvement I'd say. And if you think about it, global warming and living in a metropolis.. having snow is always a delight for me.

So let me tell you a little something. You might think "What is there to tell, it's just snow?"

Well, actually, you are right. It's natural for snow to fall in January. But it can't be a coincidence!! 

Long story short: I was really sad about winter being a disaster once again, so naturally I listened to some Christmas tunes, specifically "Let it snow" by Frank Sinatra. An amazingly cozy and uplifting love song! I sang along because I am not a psychopath and enjoy music. After a while of listening to it on repeat, I then went to the window, when I looked outside... Guess what happened??? It snowed!!! 

It's like God or some deity heard my wishes and thought it was fair enough and let it snow! And today it snowed again, though the snow is slowly melting, 2 °C is only that cold and the sky is clear.

Still, it's so strange because I was convinced winter was already over but then the streets were coated in white, amazing. I was already embracing spring to come...

This was all I had to say, quite frankly I have a hunch the snow will be gone by tomorrow, which makes me melancholy again. But I got to be grateful for what I get, no?

Boring blog entry #2

I am on a diet as of today. An actual one, with controlled eating and such. So since I ate a big amount of food yesterday, I am going to fast today and eat low-res tomorrow! 

I am only going to drink coffee and water or tea. So I hope this goes well, I think it will, I feel on top of my game lately. Last year was a mess I'll tell you, but since I started this blog in 2022 it's all history. 

I am currently reading "Convenience Store Woman" by Sayaka Murata. It's interesting because I can't relate to the character in most aspects but I get it. 

You know, if you get it you get it, if you don't you don't. That's what subjectivity is. 

But! There is also weirdness that is not to be confused with subjectivity. Weirdness is making fun of serious things you can't relate to like serious illness, misogyny, racism, pedophilia etc.  

If you aren't suffering from it, DON'T. MAKE. JOKES. OF. IT.  

This goes especially to those "dude bros" who think adding "It's a joke" or "humor is subjective" after giving disgusting statements makes them harmless. 

So this went pretty off-lane didn't it. 

Right, the book is interesting, I sometimes wonder if the authors of weird or scary books are similar to any of the characters they write. In that case, I would be interested in seeing more interviews of authors that write scary books. I'm annoyed only YA authors get interviewed. 

 Like what is there to ask? 

"Did you base the ML off of Harry Styles? If so why?" 

(Who cares??) 

"Yes, I imagine myself as the FL and I am in love with Harry Styles." 

(Figures.)  

But asking a horror story writer would look different. 

"How do you make such detailed murder scenes? I get shivers all over when I read them.." 

(I'm invested!!)

"Oh, haha you see, I am a serial killer, so I have first-hand experience. I watch a lot of true crime  documentaries." 

(PARDON?)

Also, psychological or philosophy genres need more interviews, I would love to know the authors' intentions on it, rather than the "abs or dad bod?" debate.

Nothing wrong with reading erotica, but really? Does it need to be questioned beyond the actual script? No, it does not. Because it is a matter-of-fact genre, with no symbolism, and no critique of society. Just sexy time. 

I am going to review the book once I finished it, I don't know if I will make a full-on analysis or a personal essay. Probably the latter, because this is an online diary, not a college application. (。_。)

I really like my coffee, it's perfectly balanced with a shot of oat milk, bitterness, and sweetness. Maybe I should have a plain black one for dinner?

Commitment!

Tonight, or more like this early morning (1 AM! LOL) my bestie and I decided to lose 1 KG in two days! We each have a different starting weight, she is lighter than me and we also have different ultimate goal weights, mine is 37 KG! I am 157 CM so it's only natural I derive my ideal weight by subtracting 120 from my height.

          157 CM - 120 = 37 KG

Makes sense, no? To be frank, I chose this low of a weight because my body consists mostly of fat tissue and I barely have any muscle(aside from calves and thighs （︶^︶）), so I am obviously gonna have to be lighter to look skinny enough.

Luckily we both have a scale, so no problems will arise and change will be so much easier to spot. 

1 KG? That is nothing but that is not the point. Always start out slow, consistency is the key. Though I wish I could lose weight dramatically, however that brings its own problems with it. Loose skin, fluncuating weight, stress wrinkles and breakouts because of malnutrition. I finall got it through my cemet skull. Haha

I am so glad blogger allows me to talk about my most inner thoughts without fearing someone will censor, "suspend" or reprimand me for it. 

How else are we supposed to get better if we can't express bad thoughts, too? 

So to spare people and to give myself an outlet I chose to make this website! I am so proud of myself for committing to it, I can't help but wonder if I would be off worse if I never made this blog to begin with. 

I feel a manic phase coming, spring is soon arriving, I am going to lose the 1 KG in no time and I can finally start growing as a person and shrinking as a body. Ha, get it? 

Well I am not sure if I can call it a "manic phase" because that is a medical term for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and I don't know if I have it, I have never done a diagnosis. So I can't be sure.

Music I enjoy

This is going to be an extensive list of musicians I like to listen to in no particular order: 

Lana Del Rey, 

The Cranberries,

Sharon Van Etten, 

Fiona Apple,

Grouper, 

Matt Maltese, 

Alice Phoebe Lou, 

Daughter, 

The Black Ghosts, 

Amy Whinehouse, 

Other Lives, 

Beach House, 

The xx, 

Nirvana, 

The Arctic Monkeys,  

XXXTENTACION, 

Lil Peep, 

The Neighborhood, 

MARINA

Boring blog entry #1

So this is going to be a simple post about today, since I have nothing better to do. 
Today I had a nice talk with a friend over Instagram and I really like her, she is pretty and so so nice. <3 
I gave her some advice and then I had to cut the conversation short because my parents decided to take me with them on a short notice. So I had to come along to an appointment, however I did get to grab cherry coke zero and I guess that makes it alright. 
I had planned on sleeping earlier last night, at 8 PM or so, I actually dozed off too early while watching Kurtis Conner's newest video about billionaires being dumb and annoying (agreed to a certain extent) and my mom woke me up luckily. So I put back my laptop in my half-asleep state and went back to bed. 
I do vaguely remember waking up every-now-and-then and falling back asleep, one time I check and it was 8 AM. I was like "wow I did it" but then I fell back asleep. ._. I woke up at 12 PM properly. 
So I am planning on sleeping early today too, though I will need to work out a bit, since I don't wanna become skinny-fat.
Right, I had a dream during that awfully long sleep.
I dreamed of taking a walk with an old high school friend, his name is Kevin. I don't remember what we talked about but I think I was giving him advice. I always do that, give people advice. I love helping people out, reassuring them and being honest. I just want to help and I do that best by lending a hand, or an ear. Lana's Instagram account was open today! I followed her, finally!!! 💕
Anyway, I guess I should set some goals for this week, no?
Alright here goes:

Goals for this week:

- lose at least 2 pounds

- workout for at least 1 hour everyday

- drink up to 2 liters a day

- read books at least 30 minutes

- take care of my skin, yes it broke out AGAIN

- go to sleep before 10 PM

- wake up between 7-8 AM

Valley of the Dolls

Jennifer, Annie & Neely    

There is Annie, a beautiful young lady from the outskirts of New York City. It takes place in 1965, an interesting time, TV and radio are popular and new. She is a typical country girl, earnest, hardworking and dedicated. She goes to the city to get a job, her mother is unwell, and her aunt is too old for any labor. 

She is the protagonist.

She gets a job as an assistant for an entertainment company that trains and broadcasts musicians and actors on broadway. She is being greeted rather unconventionally, catches the eye of a handsome and gentlemanly agent named Lyon that works for an aspiring singer named Neely O'Hara, and is being thrust into the world of work rather rushedly.

Overall the movie was quite boring at times, with unnecessary drama stirred up between the understudy Neely and a senior actress/singer Helen Lawson. 

Jennifer is a beautiful lady but in her words, she is "talentless besides her body", seemingly a colleague or friend of Neely and Annie. Relationships form, Jennifer's lover being another rising singer named Tony, who later becomes senile at the age of 30 due to a genetic mental disease. Jennifer tries her best to afford his sanatorium, working as a sort of sex worker and in "french art films" thinly veiled pornography. 

She grows sick of the occupation and quits, she becomes hospitalized and diagnosed with breast cancer. Her husband Tony has forgotten her, his mental illness rapidly worsening. After ending a call with her mother who only contacts her for money she commits suicide by overdosing due to sadness and hopelessness.

What I found strange is that neither Neely nor Annie or Lyon were seen or shown mourning for her death whatsoever. Annie was interviewed by Paparazzi but she seemed rather overwhelmed by the question than the fact someone she was close with killed herself. She was the last one to see her alive after all. Therefore I believe Annie is rather cold and unsympathetic. As is Lyon, who, while leading Annie on kissed Neely, who initiated it, but he did not resist whatsoever and even laughed it off.

Neely becomes famous throughout the span of the movie, and quickly becomes nasty-mouthed and rude due to stress and drug and alcohol abuse, she becomes addicted to "dolls" which keep her awake and functioning for movie roles and such.

Neely was put into a sanatorium after catching her second husband cheating on her. She overdoses and wakes up in the hospital, she reluctantly recovers and has what seems to be a redemption arc before she reverts to her arrogant and irritable self. When she pushes everyone away, including her agent Lyon, she turns back to abusing "dolls" and wanders the streets at night drugged up and drunk. She is last seen weeping at a closed theater that was supposed to host her show, which she missed due to her angry fit.

Annie leaves the city and rejoins her aunt, shortly after Lyon comes to find her. The wounds of her mother's death are still fresh and the memory of having been denied marriage the first time leads to her rejecting Lyon's proposal. The last scene is spent showing Annie taking a walk in the woods, playing in the snow. 

Now, that movie was a blur, to be honest, it was so boring to watch simply because I refused to look at the screen whenever one of the idiotic characters did another stupid mistake. I only felt sympathy for Jennifer, Neely's first ex-husband, and Tony.

I will rate it a 5/10. 

Annoying characters, disorienting pacing, uninteresting storyline, anticlimactic and meaningless ending. The reason I didn't give it a lower rating is because the visuals were stunning nonetheless and the acting was formidable.