Yes, I know

I abandoned you, but look I have a good reason: I have been busy with something. Or rather, someone, remember the man I code-named "Rain"? Now that he knows of this blog too it's only fair I address him by his real name. 

Khy. Much like his name suggests, extraordinary and one of a kind. Sometimes I find it hard to figure out that brain of his, but most of the time it is delightful to explore. We've known each other since July 2022, that was over 6 months ago. Since then we've grown very fond of each other, by September I was done for, smitten. October it became official I'd say. And from then it is a messy and mostly sickly sweet back and fourth. The L word became second nature. I was less than happy with that, I feared it would lose its value but it still sets butterflies off in me. I became accustomed to random bursts of love and even when I felt like being bitchy I took the mature route and talked it out. And just earlier today I had my own moment, if you have read my previous posts you know I am a bit bratty. 

So Khy knows how to crack my shell, no matter how often I try to hide from him he finds a way, like the song "cinnamon girl"- But honestly I'd like to think that I am pretty successful at peeling his layers, too. It's balanced, a give and take. We pull each other out of slumps and I absolutely adore it. 

Now zodiac signs are seen as controversial and silly but I believe it. I'm a Libra, I love balance and harmony, I love making peace and solving conflicts. I am not a dummy, it makes sense if you think about it. Science and spirituality are intertwined. They seem very opposed to each other but that is not true. As above, so below. Yin and yang, yadda yadda...

Khy has that thing too, he is a witch. He just knows things, he works hard and gets what he aims for. If you aren't in love with him already, have I mentioned he has a black cat named Akane?? Beyond precious, she's a proper lady.

It's a little awkward writing all this down as if I had an actual audience, well I do but it's KHY so it's even weirder LOL!! I admire him even if I tease him often, call him dummy, pervert and variations thereof. 

He is so Hhshendidjxkidmejelxidk I love him, even if he thinks he's hurting me or snaps at me. I think he's attractive regardless of how he treats me but I am so grateful that he owns up in the end. He wants to go to uni and I hope he gets where he wants to be, I will support him no matter what he chooses to do. Always 

XX

Karina 

I am going to eat 500 kcals worth of chicken nuggets tonight

 

Music is good, domestic violence sucks

How long has it been since he died? a little over 4 years, it still feels so unreal. 2017 was an interesting year, musically and for me personally. You would discover the next upcoming rapper/ singer and be blown away by how relatable the lyrics are, how beautiful the sound was, and how many emotions come up in you. 

And then there was XXXTENTACION! (And Shiloh Dynasty, whoo!) 

When I first heard his music, a collaboration with Shiloh Dynasty, "Jocelyn Flores" I thought "wow I'm so deep and my emotions are so profound". Then I realized something, yes, sadness can be beautiful, it can inspire you, and it can create art just like happiness does. But it can be detrimental.

Back then I was just a kid, 15, and still naive and childish. I didn't know what "domestic violence" "child abuse" or "mental health" was. I just knew my parents were different from the ones of other kids. They can go outside and play, have fun with friends, have sleepovers, have birthdays, and have parties. Not me. I have siblings, what do I need friends for? I own a bunch of toys, no need to play outside and parties? I can eat cake, blow up balloons, and dance (in moderation) at home in my room. "Home" slowly became a prison, the more I noticed things were.. off about my family. 

At first, I thought nothing of it, what was I supposed to think? I was 15 and watched barbie movies and snuff films and played with Barbie dolls, not Ken dolls. I discovered girls kissing is nice to look at, and I discovered it was wrong, too. I was scared and secretive but indulgent, I drew badly scribbled sketches of two girls kissing and hugging and ripped them apart and hid them. 

I learned that I am sad, and very deeply affected by the things I considered "Normal", I am emotional and I lash out and I hide things and steal things. The breaking point was meeting X, he put my feelings into words, sounds, and music. I never really thought about him though, I just listened to the music and read the lyrics, I suddenly loved singing. 

His death however didn't hit me(no offense), when I found out his age, I felt how fragile life really was. But back then, I was living in an illusion, a bubble that does not allow anything from the outside to influence the inside. "What happens at home, stays at home." And vice versa. It felt like my fate to stay locked inside, away from people, I'm not like them. So I made it my personality, I became cold and distant, I sat in the back of the class, stared out the windows, napped, or drew awful things. People thought I was morbid for that, but sometimes I would break that shell and smile and laugh and make jokes. And I would regret it every time, I am sure my friends got whiplash from my erratic behavior. 

And when I tell you, "No one cares" I am being serious. I am 100 % sure I was suffering from depression back then, and no one noticed, not my friends, seatmates not even the "pedagogically trained" professionals, the teachers. 

I was done dirty, I gave up and I was dropped when I stopped being happy-go-lucky. But let's be for real for a moment, even when I feigned happiness I was not appreciated. 

I was a people pleaser and I knew. I was altruistic and selfless and it got me nowhere. I am still here in this hellhole, I hate all of my siblings and can't stand to be near my dad for more than 5 minutes. And my mom? She hates me, I am just a freak to her. I lost 3 kilograms and yet I feel like cutting myself. 

I want to run away until my feet grow blisters and my legs hurt, I would do it if it meant I can be free. I would rather be homeless and without food and shelter than here. I want to be far away from Berlin, I want this city to burn down I want a bomb to hit my family, and I want to have an excuse to flee. 

Because my safety and well-being aren't enough.

Thoughts on TCC

So, like any other bored teenage girl surfing the web, I stumbled across a video describing a horror story about hundreds of women going missing and reappearing, dead and in horrible condition. It shocked me at first, obviously, I knew murderers exist but I never cared to look into it further. Bless the victims' and their families hearts and curse the perpetrator. Of course, it wasn't my first contact with the "crime" media, horror and I go way back. I remember snippets of my childhood, spent hiding behind my parents who sat on the living room couch at midnight and watched the horror movie they put on, with them thinking I'm sound asleep in bed. 

I was fascinated, shocked, scared, and confused at first. But most importantly curious; How can people be so cruel? Why did nobody notice? Why didn't they get punished accordingly? 

Back then, I was simple-minded, thought the world was constantly bettering itself because grannies are nice and candy tastes good and the sunshine is so warm on my skin. But that is because I was blissfully unaware of what was happening around me, all around the world. Somewhere someone is getting violated, killed, threatened, is running for their life of killing or planning to kill someone. I could be watching Spongebob Squarepants, the episode in which Garry goes rogue and think "This is the saddest thing ever" mourning Spongebob's loss, meanwhile someone else passed away somewhere. 

The point is, as soon as I got connected to the internet and its endless information my hope diminished. I became mistrustful, and skeptical and even had a phase in which all I felt was misanthropy for the world. I felt some sort of pleasure from hearing of other people's downfall, thinking "so what? There are people who are worse off".

True crime videos became fun to watch, I was more amazed at the ways people could kill or were killed, felt irritated when the criminal was convicted and interacted with that part of TCC on Tumblr. I thought some of them were cute and so edgy, watching "We need to talk about Kevin" didn't help. I seemed to be a hopeless cause. 

I feel ashamed even recounting my memories because I genuinely can not tell you why I felt that way. 

Until I found a study case about the women who sent love letters to scum such as Ted Bundy. These women seemed normal on the outside, well groomed and dressed, trusting faces and all. But the loving way they spoke about a vile pedophilic misogynistic serial rapist and killer frightened me, the second I saw those videos of interviews my heart dropped. I realized I could've been one of them if I were any older and more desperate. I suddenly felt disgusted, at first I thought "I would never" but after accepting it, something changed in me. My love for horror and the obscure became tainted, I had nightmares too realistic for comfort, and I finally snapped out of it. 

This period in my life was very brief, maybe 1 month at most, I frequent the internet outside my personal interest bubble a lot so maybe that is why I saw reason early on. It was like I was saved from becoming worse, I am still grateful for YouTubers, who do a much better job at educating the general public than TV Shows. 

I am however forever grateful this extremely guilty pleasure was just that and I grew out of it. 

The End and The start

I have been absent again, I lost another member of my family. So mean, right? But it still feels unreal, it feels like she's just on a long, long vacation and that I will see her again. Is it normal to feel like that? I cried lots and I missed her dearly, but I can't wrap my head around the concept of death, in theory, it's simple. But in reality? It feels unreal. I'm being pranked. I'm watching a horror movie and after the credits, she will come up behind the silver screen and bow a couple of times to the applause for her excellent performance. 

It feels like if I stare long enough and don't make a sound I will catch her moving, breathing, her eyes moving behind her sunken eyelids. If I make a funny joke she will laugh and break the spell, or if I catch her off guard she will stir. 

But I haven't even seen her, her empty body. I imagine it sometimes and freak myself out, it feels forbidden. Maybe I can't face it yet? But when will I be able to, if not now? I hope I don't sound cliché. I guess the movies are good at portraying death, in some instances grief too. But it doesn't feel like it's enough, not enough tears, screaming, sorrow. There is no expression sad enough, the eyes not dull enough and I am reminded they are mirroring me. People like me, who have lost someone. 

Maybe that is why I stare in the mirror when I catch myself crying, to see how convincing my sad face comes across, if my tears are plenty, and whether or not my eyes tell my story. But I see nothing. 

In cartoons or anime, for instance, you can immediately tell what their emotions are. I'm not saying I'm measuring my authenticity on that standard, but I sometimes wonder if anyone has ever caught someone's eyes visibly going empty, their skin becoming dull and their overall mood turning numbing. 

Like a gust of wind that signals their feelings. In books, they describe it as suffocating, brooding, foreboding, the shivers going down their spine, the weight on their shoulders bringing them down. 

I thought if I feigned nonchalance in a nihilistic way my feelings would match my behavior. Such a lie. What is worse than feeling like you can't allow yourself to be sad? Is someone else forbidding it? 

I could feel pressure, if I cry now, it won't bode well. No one likes delivering bad news, because then you have to play the game of "should I be honest about my feelings or spare them?" Spare who exactly? He didn't spare me, so why shouldn't I return the favor? Will my perseverance be rewarded? And if so, can I choose the prize?

If I find the answer to that, maybe I can move on. 

Autumn keeps me hopeful

Is that true? Is that what grief is supposed to feel like? When I first heard she died, I felt my chest squeezing and twisting in a jerking manner, I didn't move though, in fact, I went still. My throat hurt, and I wanted to gasp out for air. But all I did was nod and lower my gaze. When he left and I had a chance to let it out, I don't remember anything after that, I don't recall my reaction. 

His words soothe me

On a positive note, the guy I called "Rain" in my last post really seems to like me. And I like him too.. I can't begin to describe it, I just know I like our dynamic and the way he makes me feel. He is like a star in the vast plane of the universe, somehow he is twinkling more than the rest of them, but he's my secret. I am in no way ashamed of him, no. Quite the opposite, I'm too proud and possessive to share him with anyone. His brilliance is for me alone. I prefer to keep my romantic relationships private and even calling them "romantic" is too much information for my comfort. This is more than just romance. It's better. 
The only flaw I see in him? He isn't fully mine yet, he lives elsewhere, far from me. But that can be changed, and that flaw in itself is not the fault of his own, I could never resent him, even if he were imperfect. 
Xx

Brain rewiring in progress..

So it's been a very very long while since I've touched this blog. There's been so much going on, but I feel like if I were to write it all down I will jinx it all. 

I was in Russia for vacation, it was boring but I saw everyone I wanted to see. My cousins were there too, I love those too. But I'm worried about their eating habits, as a fellow disordered Person, it hurt to see them suffer. I feigned ignorance, cause there really isn't a right way to approach this. It's even worse cause they're younger than me, so I naturally feel overprotective of them. I want to help them without making a big deal about it... But alas. 

If I can't help myself, how am I going to help others? They might be anorexic subconsciously, but I am anorexic and I know it, I strive to starve, they starve cause of stress, homesickness, and whatnot. I want to help, I really do. I want to look at food and think: "Yummy." Without worrying about gaining, my body weight, my appearance.

I feel paranoid just writing on this blog, imagine if I were to voice my concerns. No one will take me seriously and I don't want their attention, or their pity, or for them to worry. I used to, but back then I was a spiteful and selfish little child. I am going to hit the 20 years mark in just over a month. It's time I snap out of it, but my heart does parkour whenever I think about going outside in public while being over a BMI of 20. I need to get help, but knowing my family and my financial situation, there is no use. 

I miss my mom too, she's been ... out, busy. She has her own troubles right now and the best I can do is keep everything up and running while she tends to her own concerns. 

I want to try and make cinnamon rolls, I have been wanting to for months now. 

Speaking of pastries reminds me of how much I miss the cold, the colorful breeze, the rainy days, and the misty mornings. I can't wait for fall, in my eyes fall is time for healing, for a new start. I just want everything to be alright again. 

On a more positive note, I feel like I have been bonding with my father, doing chores together, looking over documents, and such. I have to put my little sister to bed since I'm the oldest kid here. I am so lucky my dad is still on vacation because that means he can help me out without being stressed from work. Still, I find myself walking around on eggshells with my brothers, I just can't stand the sight of them. Their very presence sours my mood. They have been the least helpful out of all. 

I've been watching Safiya Nygaard's videos lately, I don't know what it is, I guess it's my inner child craving to see "Franken-soap" "Franken-wedding-cake" "Franken-lipstick". She does experiments that my intrusive thoughts keep suggesting to me. Melt this! Mix that! Cut this up! No need, Safiya does it for you. 

It's strange though, I used to avoid her videos, was it out of spite? Probably. 

I've made a friend, his name starts with ...  Never mind, I won't tell you! I will codename him "Rain" though. Rain messaged me on instagram and since then we've been talking. He's interesting, kind of confusing, but he listens to me and I don't find it hard to hear him out. I usually get sick and tired of people quickly. Maybe we can be longterm friends? He has a cat, she's adorable!! 

Soon I'm going to University, canyou believe that? I am so excited, I want to prove that I am back from my depression, that I can study well and that I am capable of doing well academically. It's my chance to fix my life, to prove to myself that I am still salvageable. I am not lost, I can do it. So, it's late, I have been sleeping better. I mostly fall asleep before midnight which is amazing! So I am saying goodnight to you!

(yes it's full moon tonight!)

Disturbance in the Force

I keep listening to music at night and crying because otherwise, I can't let out the stress. I can't stand silence when I'm hurt but I also need to tune out reality when I'm in my feels. So I listen to music that I know I will enjoy, it's like I am bonding with it and am being consoled by it. 

Speaking of consolation.

I watched Midsommar today and there was a scene: It was so nerve-wracking the way the women clung to Dani and were wailing with her, it hurt my head so much and Dani's voice is just so hoarse it was stressing me out listening to her cry. I hated the ending but in a way I get it, it seems like Dani got her "revenge" because Chris cheated on her and the girl did look underage, maybe she wasn't I don't know. Either way, I didn't get why the whole "crush" thing was in there, I am assuming it's to get rid of the last person Dani knew before coming to this cult for more than just being emotionally neglectful. 

But to be honest, how could Chris leave her even if he did, she was grieving her whole family's death, he kind of bit the bullet there. Also, at fault is this Swedish guy, I don't remember his name, he was weird from the beginning, way too touchy and obsessive. At first, I thought the birthday gift for Dani was sweet but then he sketched her secretly at the dinner table when she was crowned May queen, too. It would make sense if he was seen sketching regularly but he only ever sketched her. Or inanimate objects. It makes me sick how he knew what would happen and roped them into his bullshit only to get "sacrificed". Good riddance to be honest.

I also don't understand what is up with the disabled child getting worshipped, why do they treat him like a deity? Father Od said something like "he isn't clouded by normalcy" or something. The only male I liked/ tolerated was Josh and he fucking died. 

They smacked him over the head with something heavy and it was so vomit-inducing, to be honest. But I don't get how he thought he'd be safe if this shithole cult to begin with, also how the fuck did the cult member creep up on him like that? I am going to say cult because that's what it is. Then another guy I don't remember his name, he was Connie's fiancée, his death was so fucking cruel. Probably the worst out of all. I am not going to describe it to you though. 

Despite what happened in the movie I am not as disturbed as I thought I would, like as an afterthought, usually I can't function after watching something like that. But I am mentally sound and not as paranoid as I would be.

Lost Persona

Building a whole persona around being strong, untouchable, and cold. It's really getting to me, sometimes I just want to be vulnerable and honest about how unsafe I feel, but I know this is the internet and someone will use this to make fun of me. Yes, I know I am putting up a front, this is a façade I am not "Girlboss" or an unfeeling, vile, sociopathic woman. 

I just use this persona in hopes of adapting some of its positive traits, but catch myself exhibiting the opposite. Insecure and spiteful, angry and resentful. I just can't let it go, or it won't let me go. I don't know! I have been holding back so much, I thought I was creating a safe space for myself but really I am only putting my negative thoughts out and watching vile people hype me up. Instead of comfort, I feel encouraged to be worse, get worse, and ultimately feel worse. This is all me. 

I try so hard but my thoughts just won't let me, my brain keeps backtracking and reminding me that I in fact am a miserable somebody who wishes she could feel content with what she is. I am disgusted at myself, I don't remember how I used to look, act, what I used to like, what I talked like. No evidence of it, my old phone broke, I barely talk to people nowadays and I always put up a front so they leave the conversation thinking "this girl is alright, she is totally and absolutely fine!"

 And I wish I was. I wish I didn't do it. I wish I could just be honest but I feel like an attention-seeking little girl who acts like she doesn't live in the first world and all her problems are related to that. I hate pity, I resent anyone who belittles me meanwhile I do the same to myself. I can't stand myself for sabotaging my own life.

I flinch away from touch, I cringe at earnest words, and always look for the negative. I don't see love or goodwill in actions, only schemes and plans people scandalously hatched to in-debt me to them. They want to do me a favor and then use me, make me do things, and say things whether I want to or not. Because I was seen in a weak state, I showed them my vulnerable side. 

I can't allow that. 

But I am soft and ragged around the edges, my emotions are raw and gushing with tears and sweat and snot. When I cry I try to hold it back, but I will still shed more tears than a person who cries without inhibitions. I am not saying I am worse off, but by god, that's how I feel. 

Declining in mental health

Hello! Guess who decided to show herself after an eternity of MIA? Yeah, I have bad news though, or maybe good news? 

I haven't changed since my last blog post, at all. But it could be worse, I could be hospitalized for starving myself to the brink of death, but instead, I am at a healthy BMI. In fact, I gained. I am almost back at my HW... How cruel, right? My skin is also flaring up again, and no matter how I style my hair it looks greasy and gross. My body is shameful and tainted with self-harm scars again.

So to all you HAES fatties: "Healthy weight" =/= HEALTHY BODY 

I am suffering but since I seem fine no one would believe me if I lamented about my aching body, simply because I am not tilting towards any of the respective extremes of unhealthy. 

But get this: I am going to try a healthy diet! Haha, just kidding, who do you think I am? 

And you see, even if I could try the healthy road, why the fuck should I? Clearly, I am already suffering, so maybe if I suffer some more, there's no harm in it. (ironic, shut up, I know)

What I'm trying to say is: I am already messed up, so why not mess up more? See where it takes me? 

That's what I thought constantly, but since I have something to look forward to: Matriculation into law school!!!! It costs LOTS of money, so I have to stay alive and conscious. I can't afford to mess up, literally, I can't. It was expensive.

University

So... I have been putting this off for a while, but it's only fair if I say it now. 

I have been putting on a front in a way, pretending I am not nervous. Which couldn't be further from the truth, I am so nervous I don't know if I can do it right. It's Law school for god's sake! It's hard, draining, difficult and with the environment I am in right now, I won't manage ANYTHING! And my strict ass parents don't want me to get a place of my own, which I have the right to. And also the fees are insane, beyond my understanding?! 

I thought access to education is a basic human right, so why do I need to pay over 1k per month? 

Why does the state not provide quality education without making people with potential feel guilty for wasting money because their parents can't provide it? 

It's belittling, I am a first gen immigrant, so the guilt is crushing and the pressure is at a snapping point constantly. My parents don't speak German good at all, so I am forced to do everything by myself. No, of course there are people that are worse off than me. I have this PC and a phone and Internet, but then again, how low are the living standards allowed to be? In a modern world like this, there shouldn't even be a shadow of a doubt when it comes to basic essentials. It's a dystopian world, the ultra-rich getting richer, the dirt-poor living, eating and dying on the dusty ground. But it's not healthy for a human being to worry so much about things out of their reach and especially out of their control. This is a problem and a question of working together. 

(WARNING; OFF-TOPIC RANTING ABOUT NFTS / METAVERSE/ RICH PEOPLE BEING ALIEN)

And by the looks of it, the situation will worsen, billionaires are alienating and isolating themselves from the exploitation and damage they are causing to escape into the damn Metaverse. Zuck's poor attempt of rebranding his trash-fire Facebook corporation and detach himself from all the crap his ignorance and outright spastic behavior caused. I mean, have you seen that reptile in human skin? That fucker is not a Homosapien, that thing is from outer space with the mission to destroy planet earth and spread his disease of disinterest for basic human privacy. People, regular and celebratory, are investing and buying into bullshit NFTs instead of checking up on the negative consequences and exploitation it is enabling.

Let's not forget about Elon Lemon-Face Muskrat, the only L he scored was his now ex-wife and former "anti-capitalist, pro-communism" activist and eccentric indie musician Grimes(love her music but BOOO for the choice of leaving the relationship nroke). Also Jeffrey Bezos, Mr. Clean's miserable scrawny(not any more wtf?!) home-schooled sheltered cousin with too much money and an even bigger ego, who wishes a bridge to be removed so his ugly ass yacht can pass through. Don't worry! He's done much worse things.

Anyway, due to this all, Beaurocracy is making it impossible for truly worthy students to even have hope of a place at their dream Uni, because of a few overrated papers. 

That is all! 

The most boring life update

Hey, hey! It has been an awfully long while since we last talked, hasn't it? That is my mistake, totally my fault babes, promise it's not about you! 

A little update: My college application has been seen and evaluated, apparently. But they need 2 more " " to give me an answer. 

You probably are thinking "What the fuck do you mean 2 more ' ' ?? that's no time frame, are you dumb?" 

And, no!!! I am not dumb! That's exactly what the E-Mail said. The person who wrote this did not even give a fuck to seem professional, like, WOW. Like what do you mean by "the next two"?? 

Next 2 days? 

Next two weeks? 

Next two months? 

I believe I have the right to feel frustrated. I am being pressured on all sides after all. And it's not like I am better without an answer. I do want to study but Universities love to make your life extra hard, don't they? And I am not even in Uni yet.

I was not born in Germany and my parents moved here simply because of a better outlook on my future and guaranteed safety.

Okay, that is out of the way, I am planning to apply to another Uni, no real preference. I want to work as an accountant/ sales manager/ something-that-makes-lots-of-cash!!! Real classy, I know. But in my defense, I am really flexible and can adapt well, due to my past moving around and we have been settled for almost 12 years now. I can organize well, when I am given orders I follow them through, when problems arise I can improvise, when help or guidance is needed I am your woman! 

Pardon me, I was just practicing my Uni interview. And I am only partially joking, I am so excited to get back on track, I hate being stagnant, every day is melting into one big night's sleep with multiple interrupting awakenings. 

Now imagine that: 

You are trying to sleep and you are forced to wake up multiple times to do some stupid mundane tasks like eating, drinking, showering, shaving, brushing your hair, change of clothes, peeing and pooping, and helping your mom out and looking over documents with your dad and twittering about your suffering and how pretty flowers and how stupid men and how cruel loneliness is. And when you, after watching YouTube videos about a recipe you always wanted to cook, go down a rabbit hole about the creepiest most paranormal activities and then half-assedly follow an interview about a Japanese Mangaka while your eyes are barely open; you know it's time to sleep. 

Totally never happened to me before, that was totes not what I did yesterday! Now, even so, it is tiring and quite frankly a depressing Dasein. (that's German :-* ) 

Right, life update. I totally forgot Valentine's Day was a thing. Like yeah, I was reminded it is a thing that's gonna happen. But I didn't think people actually care so much about it? Like it's a thing like Christmas is a thing! I never knew? 

Maybe we are, as forcibly quarantined beings, seeking any kind of excitement and reason to leave our chambers and socialize a bit. I totes get that. 

To end this semi-vent on a positive note, I have been enjoying Indian Chai with two cubes of sugar a lot lately. Since the Christmas blends are out of range, I had to settle for something else. I really enjoy the fragrant kind of teas, especially those that taste just as delicious as they smell. Cardamom, Cinnamon, and Clove! <3 

Without milk though!!

Okay, well, life update over? 

See you around, 

I love you,  

XX

A good title

I've been having low vibrations lately, partly responsible for that is my pet's death. Yes, I am still not over it but the heart-wrenching sorrowful nights filled with crying are replaced with a constant dull ache where my tummy and heart are located. I miss her so much, and I think I always will. If I had the chance to grieve some more, without any responsibilities forcing me to stay at bay, I would. 

When I am not sad though, I am angry. I am furious and on the verge of tearing and trashing everything in my proximity to shreds. I don't know if my anger is stemming from the death of my bird, or if I always had this feeling building up inside of me, like the frustrations all imploding within me. I am partly an extrovert, so when I am feeling unwell, I need to unwind and tell people, but I am only partly, so the introverted side always takes over. I keep it bottled inside and let it wither and that part of my brain, or my heart, or my tummy starts rotting and given enough time, turns to ashes. 

You would think, problem solved, right? False. I might lose the feeling of anguish but my memories provide me with plenty of nightmare fuel. As bitter as it sounds when people tell me to "remember all the good times and how happy you were" I want to punch their face in. I can, for the life of me, not remember any good memories on my own. Ironically enough, even those make me sad and anxious. 

What's the good of remembering something if you are never going to feel it again? It's like your brain is taunting you in a self-punishing twisted way to tell you "you used to have this, but no more". 

So no, remembering the good times makes me even more miserable, I don't know what people are supposed to feel but I am not feeling it. I am just suffering. 

I am the kind of person that always longs for something far away and far too pretty and nice. "Sehnsucht" sounds better than "longing" though. In my opinion, those two words are translated but they are not synonyms. Maybe yearning, but this word sounds too erotic and without any context, sexual. 

Despite it all, I consider myself a pitiful soul roaming the earth in hope of finding something or someone that I won't outlive. 

Still, I can be optimistic, but not now.