Brain rewiring in progress..

So it's been a very very long while since I've touched this blog. There's been so much going on, but I feel like if I were to write it all down I will jinx it all. 

I was in Russia for vacation, it was boring but I saw everyone I wanted to see. My cousins were there too, I love those too. But I'm worried about their eating habits, as a fellow disordered Person, it hurt to see them suffer. I feigned ignorance, cause there really isn't a right way to approach this. It's even worse cause they're younger than me, so I naturally feel overprotective of them. I want to help them without making a big deal about it... But alas. 

If I can't help myself, how am I going to help others? They might be anorexic subconsciously, but I am anorexic and I know it, I strive to starve, they starve cause of stress, homesickness, and whatnot. I want to help, I really do. I want to look at food and think: "Yummy." Without worrying about gaining, my body weight, my appearance.

I feel paranoid just writing on this blog, imagine if I were to voice my concerns. No one will take me seriously and I don't want their attention, or their pity, or for them to worry. I used to, but back then I was a spiteful and selfish little child. I am going to hit the 20 years mark in just over a month. It's time I snap out of it, but my heart does parkour whenever I think about going outside in public while being over a BMI of 20. I need to get help, but knowing my family and my financial situation, there is no use. 

I miss my mom too, she's been ... out, busy. She has her own troubles right now and the best I can do is keep everything up and running while she tends to her own concerns. 

I want to try and make cinnamon rolls, I have been wanting to for months now. 

Speaking of pastries reminds me of how much I miss the cold, the colorful breeze, the rainy days, and the misty mornings. I can't wait for fall, in my eyes fall is time for healing, for a new start. I just want everything to be alright again. 

On a more positive note, I feel like I have been bonding with my father, doing chores together, looking over documents, and such. I have to put my little sister to bed since I'm the oldest kid here. I am so lucky my dad is still on vacation because that means he can help me out without being stressed from work. Still, I find myself walking around on eggshells with my brothers, I just can't stand the sight of them. Their very presence sours my mood. They have been the least helpful out of all. 

I've been watching Safiya Nygaard's videos lately, I don't know what it is, I guess it's my inner child craving to see "Franken-soap" "Franken-wedding-cake" "Franken-lipstick". She does experiments that my intrusive thoughts keep suggesting to me. Melt this! Mix that! Cut this up! No need, Safiya does it for you. 

It's strange though, I used to avoid her videos, was it out of spite? Probably. 

I've made a friend, his name starts with ...  Never mind, I won't tell you! I will codename him "Rain" though. Rain messaged me on instagram and since then we've been talking. He's interesting, kind of confusing, but he listens to me and I don't find it hard to hear him out. I usually get sick and tired of people quickly. Maybe we can be longterm friends? He has a cat, she's adorable!! 

Soon I'm going to University, canyou believe that? I am so excited, I want to prove that I am back from my depression, that I can study well and that I am capable of doing well academically. It's my chance to fix my life, to prove to myself that I am still salvageable. I am not lost, I can do it. So, it's late, I have been sleeping better. I mostly fall asleep before midnight which is amazing! So I am saying goodnight to you!

(yes it's full moon tonight!)

Disturbance in the Force

I keep listening to music at night and crying because otherwise, I can't let out the stress. I can't stand silence when I'm hurt but I also need to tune out reality when I'm in my feels. So I listen to music that I know I will enjoy, it's like I am bonding with it and am being consoled by it. 

Speaking of consolation.

I watched Midsommar today and there was a scene: It was so nerve-wracking the way the women clung to Dani and were wailing with her, it hurt my head so much and Dani's voice is just so hoarse it was stressing me out listening to her cry. I hated the ending but in a way I get it, it seems like Dani got her "revenge" because Chris cheated on her and the girl did look underage, maybe she wasn't I don't know. Either way, I didn't get why the whole "crush" thing was in there, I am assuming it's to get rid of the last person Dani knew before coming to this cult for more than just being emotionally neglectful. 

But to be honest, how could Chris leave her even if he did, she was grieving her whole family's death, he kind of bit the bullet there. Also, at fault is this Swedish guy, I don't remember his name, he was weird from the beginning, way too touchy and obsessive. At first, I thought the birthday gift for Dani was sweet but then he sketched her secretly at the dinner table when she was crowned May queen, too. It would make sense if he was seen sketching regularly but he only ever sketched her. Or inanimate objects. It makes me sick how he knew what would happen and roped them into his bullshit only to get "sacrificed". Good riddance to be honest.

I also don't understand what is up with the disabled child getting worshipped, why do they treat him like a deity? Father Od said something like "he isn't clouded by normalcy" or something. The only male I liked/ tolerated was Josh and he fucking died. 

They smacked him over the head with something heavy and it was so vomit-inducing, to be honest. But I don't get how he thought he'd be safe if this shithole cult to begin with, also how the fuck did the cult member creep up on him like that? I am going to say cult because that's what it is. Then another guy I don't remember his name, he was Connie's fiancée, his death was so fucking cruel. Probably the worst out of all. I am not going to describe it to you though. 

Despite what happened in the movie I am not as disturbed as I thought I would, like as an afterthought, usually I can't function after watching something like that. But I am mentally sound and not as paranoid as I would be.

Lost Persona

Building a whole persona around being strong, untouchable, and cold. It's really getting to me, sometimes I just want to be vulnerable and honest about how unsafe I feel, but I know this is the internet and someone will use this to make fun of me. Yes, I know I am putting up a front, this is a façade I am not "Girlboss" or an unfeeling, vile, sociopathic woman. 

I just use this persona in hopes of adapting some of its positive traits, but catch myself exhibiting the opposite. Insecure and spiteful, angry and resentful. I just can't let it go, or it won't let me go. I don't know! I have been holding back so much, I thought I was creating a safe space for myself but really I am only putting my negative thoughts out and watching vile people hype me up. Instead of comfort, I feel encouraged to be worse, get worse, and ultimately feel worse. This is all me. 

I try so hard but my thoughts just won't let me, my brain keeps backtracking and reminding me that I in fact am a miserable somebody who wishes she could feel content with what she is. I am disgusted at myself, I don't remember how I used to look, act, what I used to like, what I talked like. No evidence of it, my old phone broke, I barely talk to people nowadays and I always put up a front so they leave the conversation thinking "this girl is alright, she is totally and absolutely fine!"

 And I wish I was. I wish I didn't do it. I wish I could just be honest but I feel like an attention-seeking little girl who acts like she doesn't live in the first world and all her problems are related to that. I hate pity, I resent anyone who belittles me meanwhile I do the same to myself. I can't stand myself for sabotaging my own life.

I flinch away from touch, I cringe at earnest words, and always look for the negative. I don't see love or goodwill in actions, only schemes and plans people scandalously hatched to in-debt me to them. They want to do me a favor and then use me, make me do things, and say things whether I want to or not. Because I was seen in a weak state, I showed them my vulnerable side. 

I can't allow that. 

But I am soft and ragged around the edges, my emotions are raw and gushing with tears and sweat and snot. When I cry I try to hold it back, but I will still shed more tears than a person who cries without inhibitions. I am not saying I am worse off, but by god, that's how I feel. 

Declining in mental health

Hello! Guess who decided to show herself after an eternity of MIA? Yeah, I have bad news though, or maybe good news? 

I haven't changed since my last blog post, at all. But it could be worse, I could be hospitalized for starving myself to the brink of death, but instead, I am at a healthy BMI. In fact, I gained. I am almost back at my HW... How cruel, right? My skin is also flaring up again, and no matter how I style my hair it looks greasy and gross. My body is shameful and tainted with self-harm scars again.

So to all you HAES fatties: "Healthy weight" =/= HEALTHY BODY 

I am suffering but since I seem fine no one would believe me if I lamented about my aching body, simply because I am not tilting towards any of the respective extremes of unhealthy. 

But get this: I am going to try a healthy diet! Haha, just kidding, who do you think I am? 

And you see, even if I could try the healthy road, why the fuck should I? Clearly, I am already suffering, so maybe if I suffer some more, there's no harm in it. (ironic, shut up, I know)

What I'm trying to say is: I am already messed up, so why not mess up more? See where it takes me? 

That's what I thought constantly, but since I have something to look forward to: Matriculation into law school!!!! It costs LOTS of money, so I have to stay alive and conscious. I can't afford to mess up, literally, I can't. It was expensive.

University

So... I have been putting this off for a while, but it's only fair if I say it now. 

I have been putting on a front in a way, pretending I am not nervous. Which couldn't be further from the truth, I am so nervous I don't know if I can do it right. It's Law school for god's sake! It's hard, draining, difficult and with the environment I am in right now, I won't manage ANYTHING! And my strict ass parents don't want me to get a place of my own, which I have the right to. And also the fees are insane, beyond my understanding?! 

I thought access to education is a basic human right, so why do I need to pay over 1k per month? 

Why does the state not provide quality education without making people with potential feel guilty for wasting money because their parents can't provide it? 

It's belittling, I am a first gen immigrant, so the guilt is crushing and the pressure is at a snapping point constantly. My parents don't speak German good at all, so I am forced to do everything by myself. No, of course there are people that are worse off than me. I have this PC and a phone and Internet, but then again, how low are the living standards allowed to be? In a modern world like this, there shouldn't even be a shadow of a doubt when it comes to basic essentials. It's a dystopian world, the ultra-rich getting richer, the dirt-poor living, eating and dying on the dusty ground. But it's not healthy for a human being to worry so much about things out of their reach and especially out of their control. This is a problem and a question of working together. 

(WARNING; OFF-TOPIC RANTING ABOUT NFTS / METAVERSE/ RICH PEOPLE BEING ALIEN)

And by the looks of it, the situation will worsen, billionaires are alienating and isolating themselves from the exploitation and damage they are causing to escape into the damn Metaverse. Zuck's poor attempt of rebranding his trash-fire Facebook corporation and detach himself from all the crap his ignorance and outright spastic behavior caused. I mean, have you seen that reptile in human skin? That fucker is not a Homosapien, that thing is from outer space with the mission to destroy planet earth and spread his disease of disinterest for basic human privacy. People, regular and celebratory, are investing and buying into bullshit NFTs instead of checking up on the negative consequences and exploitation it is enabling.

Let's not forget about Elon Lemon-Face Muskrat, the only L he scored was his now ex-wife and former "anti-capitalist, pro-communism" activist and eccentric indie musician Grimes(love her music but BOOO for the choice of leaving the relationship nroke). Also Jeffrey Bezos, Mr. Clean's miserable scrawny(not any more wtf?!) home-schooled sheltered cousin with too much money and an even bigger ego, who wishes a bridge to be removed so his ugly ass yacht can pass through. Don't worry! He's done much worse things.

Anyway, due to this all, Beaurocracy is making it impossible for truly worthy students to even have hope of a place at their dream Uni, because of a few overrated papers. 

That is all! 

The most boring life update

Hey, hey! It has been an awfully long while since we last talked, hasn't it? That is my mistake, totally my fault babes, promise it's not about you! 

A little update: My college application has been seen and evaluated, apparently. But they need 2 more " " to give me an answer. 

You probably are thinking "What the fuck do you mean 2 more ' ' ?? that's no time frame, are you dumb?" 

And, no!!! I am not dumb! That's exactly what the E-Mail said. The person who wrote this did not even give a fuck to seem professional, like, WOW. Like what do you mean by "the next two"?? 

Next 2 days? 

Next two weeks? 

Next two months? 

I believe I have the right to feel frustrated. I am being pressured on all sides after all. And it's not like I am better without an answer. I do want to study but Universities love to make your life extra hard, don't they? And I am not even in Uni yet.

I was not born in Germany and my parents moved here simply because of a better outlook on my future and guaranteed safety.

Okay, that is out of the way, I am planning to apply to another Uni, no real preference. I want to work as an accountant/ sales manager/ something-that-makes-lots-of-cash!!! Real classy, I know. But in my defense, I am really flexible and can adapt well, due to my past moving around and we have been settled for almost 12 years now. I can organize well, when I am given orders I follow them through, when problems arise I can improvise, when help or guidance is needed I am your woman! 

Pardon me, I was just practicing my Uni interview. And I am only partially joking, I am so excited to get back on track, I hate being stagnant, every day is melting into one big night's sleep with multiple interrupting awakenings. 

Now imagine that: 

You are trying to sleep and you are forced to wake up multiple times to do some stupid mundane tasks like eating, drinking, showering, shaving, brushing your hair, change of clothes, peeing and pooping, and helping your mom out and looking over documents with your dad and twittering about your suffering and how pretty flowers and how stupid men and how cruel loneliness is. And when you, after watching YouTube videos about a recipe you always wanted to cook, go down a rabbit hole about the creepiest most paranormal activities and then half-assedly follow an interview about a Japanese Mangaka while your eyes are barely open; you know it's time to sleep. 

Totally never happened to me before, that was totes not what I did yesterday! Now, even so, it is tiring and quite frankly a depressing Dasein. (that's German :-* ) 

Right, life update. I totally forgot Valentine's Day was a thing. Like yeah, I was reminded it is a thing that's gonna happen. But I didn't think people actually care so much about it? Like it's a thing like Christmas is a thing! I never knew? 

Maybe we are, as forcibly quarantined beings, seeking any kind of excitement and reason to leave our chambers and socialize a bit. I totes get that. 

To end this semi-vent on a positive note, I have been enjoying Indian Chai with two cubes of sugar a lot lately. Since the Christmas blends are out of range, I had to settle for something else. I really enjoy the fragrant kind of teas, especially those that taste just as delicious as they smell. Cardamom, Cinnamon, and Clove! <3 

Without milk though!!

Okay, well, life update over? 

See you around, 

I love you,  

XX

A good title

I've been having low vibrations lately, partly responsible for that is my pet's death. Yes, I am still not over it but the heart-wrenching sorrowful nights filled with crying are replaced with a constant dull ache where my tummy and heart are located. I miss her so much, and I think I always will. If I had the chance to grieve some more, without any responsibilities forcing me to stay at bay, I would. 

When I am not sad though, I am angry. I am furious and on the verge of tearing and trashing everything in my proximity to shreds. I don't know if my anger is stemming from the death of my bird, or if I always had this feeling building up inside of me, like the frustrations all imploding within me. I am partly an extrovert, so when I am feeling unwell, I need to unwind and tell people, but I am only partly, so the introverted side always takes over. I keep it bottled inside and let it wither and that part of my brain, or my heart, or my tummy starts rotting and given enough time, turns to ashes. 

You would think, problem solved, right? False. I might lose the feeling of anguish but my memories provide me with plenty of nightmare fuel. As bitter as it sounds when people tell me to "remember all the good times and how happy you were" I want to punch their face in. I can, for the life of me, not remember any good memories on my own. Ironically enough, even those make me sad and anxious. 

What's the good of remembering something if you are never going to feel it again? It's like your brain is taunting you in a self-punishing twisted way to tell you "you used to have this, but no more". 

So no, remembering the good times makes me even more miserable, I don't know what people are supposed to feel but I am not feeling it. I am just suffering. 

I am the kind of person that always longs for something far away and far too pretty and nice. "Sehnsucht" sounds better than "longing" though. In my opinion, those two words are translated but they are not synonyms. Maybe yearning, but this word sounds too erotic and without any context, sexual. 

Despite it all, I consider myself a pitiful soul roaming the earth in hope of finding something or someone that I won't outlive. 

Still, I can be optimistic, but not now.

Loss and other sticky feelings

There is this saying that goes: "I am here for a good time, not a long time." 

It is referring to the hope of premature death because fun never lasts a lifetime. I get it, it makes somewhat sense, long lives usually are plagued by many, many misfortunes, deaths of loved ones, pain in general, and many unpleasant moments. All for the sake of living long? I don't think so, I don't think people want to live just happily, because if only "happiness" existed in their lives, how would they know? You can't know what it means to bathe in the sun until you stood in the shadows. Without any relative differentiation, nothing would be considered either "bad" or "good" and recognized as such. You go to the dentist and think you are on the verge of death until you enter cancer's third stage. Your experiences make your preferences, they shape what you deem as desirable and less so. 

In my head this all makes sense, I just hope it's clicking for you? English is not my native language after all, haha. 

So, what prompted me to make this post? 

I used to have a pet bird, she died very recently, on January 21st, 2022. I was there when they euthanized her, it was my choice to have it. I couldn't bear thinking about having to feed her antibiotics just to keep her already delicate and now brittle body from falling over the edge of death. I miss her so so much and I would give anything to have her back healthy and happy and by my side. But that would not be fair, I am not the only one who wishes this. But if that is so, why can't I be selfish for once? Am I allowed to voice my "ridiculous" or "selfish" thoughts? People would look aside because I am grieving and apparently people that grieve are or say batshit crazy things? 

I beg to differ. 

The thoughts I voiced at my lowest during the grief I experienced, would have been some of my "sober" thoughts as well. I have wished one would die so the other could be resurrected. I have always been like this. 

"If it weren't for you.." "If you only would have, instead of.." "You don't deserve ... as much as.. does" 

Is it considered playing the devil's advocate, but for the dead? The dead's advocate. 

My mom always said that "there you go again, acting like a lawyer for (someone)" 

Hearing that from her pissed me the fuck off, what is so bad about defending someone who is defenseless and someone I care about? Like when I was defending my little sister who can not even talk? 

People like that annoy me so much unless I really am playing devil's advocate and defending a disgusting criminal do not fucking say that!! 

Sorry I went off-topic. What I meant to say is that, no matter how hard it gets, it is temporary. 

No, not death. Obviously not death. Death has always been permanent, it's inevitable and as necessary as shade during hot summer afternoons. 

Beings that are suffering beyond comprehension should not be forced to continue unless there really is a chance and those beings are determined to take the chance. 

It really depends though, which brings me back: All is relative. 

Life could seem terrible, but when you compare it to death? Suddenly much better. 

Death seems terrifying, but living every breathing second tormented and tortured without any escape? Death suddenly tastes so sweet. 

It all is a question of difference. 

A deity heard my wishes?

 

I was ready to give up on a "white Christmas" aka an actual winter with snow!

But today it snowed a whole lot, at least 3 CM of snow, not much but compared to last year an improvement I'd say. And if you think about it, global warming and living in a metropolis.. having snow is always a delight for me.

So let me tell you a little something. You might think "What is there to tell, it's just snow?"

Well, actually, you are right. It's natural for snow to fall in January. But it can't be a coincidence!! 

Long story short: I was really sad about winter being a disaster once again, so naturally I listened to some Christmas tunes, specifically "Let it snow" by Frank Sinatra. An amazingly cozy and uplifting love song! I sang along because I am not a psychopath and enjoy music. After a while of listening to it on repeat, I then went to the window, when I looked outside... Guess what happened??? It snowed!!! 

It's like God or some deity heard my wishes and thought it was fair enough and let it snow! And today it snowed again, though the snow is slowly melting, 2 °C is only that cold and the sky is clear.

Still, it's so strange because I was convinced winter was already over but then the streets were coated in white, amazing. I was already embracing spring to come...

This was all I had to say, quite frankly I have a hunch the snow will be gone by tomorrow, which makes me melancholy again. But I got to be grateful for what I get, no?

Boring blog entry #2

I am on a diet as of today. An actual one, with controlled eating and such. So since I ate a big amount of food yesterday, I am going to fast today and eat low-res tomorrow! 

I am only going to drink coffee and water or tea. So I hope this goes well, I think it will, I feel on top of my game lately. Last year was a mess I'll tell you, but since I started this blog in 2022 it's all history. 

I am currently reading "Convenience Store Woman" by Sayaka Murata. It's interesting because I can't relate to the character in most aspects but I get it. 

You know, if you get it you get it, if you don't you don't. That's what subjectivity is. 

But! There is also weirdness that is not to be confused with subjectivity. Weirdness is making fun of serious things you can't relate to like serious illness, misogyny, racism, pedophilia etc.  

If you aren't suffering from it, DON'T. MAKE. JOKES. OF. IT.  

This goes especially to those "dude bros" who think adding "It's a joke" or "humor is subjective" after giving disgusting statements makes them harmless. 

So this went pretty off-lane didn't it. 

Right, the book is interesting, I sometimes wonder if the authors of weird or scary books are similar to any of the characters they write. In that case, I would be interested in seeing more interviews of authors that write scary books. I'm annoyed only YA authors get interviewed. 

 Like what is there to ask? 

"Did you base the ML off of Harry Styles? If so why?" 

(Who cares??) 

"Yes, I imagine myself as the FL and I am in love with Harry Styles." 

(Figures.)  

But asking a horror story writer would look different. 

"How do you make such detailed murder scenes? I get shivers all over when I read them.." 

(I'm invested!!)

"Oh, haha you see, I am a serial killer, so I have first-hand experience. I watch a lot of true crime  documentaries." 

(PARDON?)

Also, psychological or philosophy genres need more interviews, I would love to know the authors' intentions on it, rather than the "abs or dad bod?" debate.

Nothing wrong with reading erotica, but really? Does it need to be questioned beyond the actual script? No, it does not. Because it is a matter-of-fact genre, with no symbolism, and no critique of society. Just sexy time. 

I am going to review the book once I finished it, I don't know if I will make a full-on analysis or a personal essay. Probably the latter, because this is an online diary, not a college application. (。_。)

I really like my coffee, it's perfectly balanced with a shot of oat milk, bitterness, and sweetness. Maybe I should have a plain black one for dinner?

Commitment!

Tonight, or more like this early morning (1 AM! LOL) my bestie and I decided to lose 1 KG in two days! We each have a different starting weight, she is lighter than me and we also have different ultimate goal weights, mine is 37 KG! I am 157 CM so it's only natural I derive my ideal weight by subtracting 120 from my height.

          157 CM - 120 = 37 KG

Makes sense, no? To be frank, I chose this low of a weight because my body consists mostly of fat tissue and I barely have any muscle(aside from calves and thighs （︶^︶）), so I am obviously gonna have to be lighter to look skinny enough.

Luckily we both have a scale, so no problems will arise and change will be so much easier to spot. 

1 KG? That is nothing but that is not the point. Always start out slow, consistency is the key. Though I wish I could lose weight dramatically, however that brings its own problems with it. Loose skin, fluncuating weight, stress wrinkles and breakouts because of malnutrition. I finall got it through my cemet skull. Haha

I am so glad blogger allows me to talk about my most inner thoughts without fearing someone will censor, "suspend" or reprimand me for it. 

How else are we supposed to get better if we can't express bad thoughts, too? 

So to spare people and to give myself an outlet I chose to make this website! I am so proud of myself for committing to it, I can't help but wonder if I would be off worse if I never made this blog to begin with. 

I feel a manic phase coming, spring is soon arriving, I am going to lose the 1 KG in no time and I can finally start growing as a person and shrinking as a body. Ha, get it? 

Well I am not sure if I can call it a "manic phase" because that is a medical term for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and I don't know if I have it, I have never done a diagnosis. So I can't be sure.

Music I enjoy

This is going to be an extensive list of musicians I like to listen to in no particular order: 

Lana Del Rey, 

The Cranberries,

Sharon Van Etten, 

Fiona Apple,

Grouper, 

Matt Maltese, 

Alice Phoebe Lou, 

Daughter, 

The Black Ghosts, 

Amy Whinehouse, 

Other Lives, 

Beach House, 

The xx, 

Nirvana, 

The Arctic Monkeys,  

XXXTENTACION, 

Lil Peep, 

The Neighborhood, 

MARINA